EVE-TEASERS Pvt Ltd.
New Delhi a.k.a the ”rape capital”
Respected Sir (hoping you are not a madam),
WOW! You have done it again.
Please accept my heartiest congratulations on your wonderful performance this year. It is amazing how you shatter your own records and surpass your own self, year after year. According to the new figures released by the Delhi Police, a woman is raped every 18 hours or molested every 14 hours in the capital of India. The national crime record bureau claims that rape is the fastest growing crime in India with as many as 60 rape cases being registered in one day.
I am sure you are wondering as to, why is this girl writing a letter to us NOW, especially since we have been around for the last hundred years? So, the thing is that just yesterday, while strolling through a posh, high end South Delhi market I had an encounter with two of the members of your clan. And having lived in Delhi for quite a few years, I was extremely used to being gawked and stared at, but this was really my first time that someone sung at me.
I remember I was wearing this jumpsuit with stars on it (which means I was covered from head to toe).And these two guys, who looked like the permanent residents of ”uglyville, walked past me, not just once but twice, smirking and singing ”taare zameen par’’. I’d have slapped them there and then, but I figured that would be animal abuse. And it is since ”THEN” that I can’t stop thinking about you. So I decided to communicate with you, which explains the letter.
I mean I just had to give credit to you for being so innovative. In fact I think that some of our engineers and entrepreneurs could learn a thing or two from you. Only someone with the kind of time and creativity like you could come up with something like that. But of course, this is not the first time that your organisation has been acknowledged like this. Your celebrity hood goes way beyond this.
So much so, that Wikipedia describes eve-teasing as ” a euphemism used in ”INDIA” and ‘sometimes’ in Pakistan and Nepal, for public sexual harassment, street harassment or molestation of women by men.” Congratulations guys! You did what years of development, liberalization and globalization could not do. You finally made India a world leader in ”something” at last. Not only this , you people get to share screen space with aamir khan in ”atithi devo bhava” advertisements , which by the way are supposed to disseminate the message of India’s hospitality and warmth to the entire world (irony or what?). Do you even realize how many Bollywood actresses would kill for an opportunity like this? But apparently, they are not as deserving as you are.
It comes as no surprise that the scope of your power has only increased in the recent times. You were probably into staring and ogling at first, then you expanded your horizons and got into passing lewd comments and singing cheap downmarket songs and these days you are even experimenting with touching and molesting every piece of ass that comes your way.
Also I must mention, that you seem to have an extremely efficient distribution network, which is why, there are rarely any places left where you have not made your presence felt. Outside girls colleges, in discotheques, shopping malls and cinema halls, in all modes of public transport; basically all places where boys/men are allowed. Such is your influence that our government had to make separate compartments for women in metros under the pretext of reducing the inconvenience caused to women due to unavailability of seats.
Also it is interesting how your recruitment criterion is so flexible. You are not confined to a particular age group or family background. You can hire a 14 year old teenage boy who cannot wait to announce his puberty to the world or a 40 year old man suffering from a middle life crisis, baldness, obesity and desperation or even a perverted old man at 60 years of age whose sperm count only seems to increase with his age.
It wouldn’t matter if a person is an illiterate, unschooled and uncultured imbecile living below the poverty line or a member of the working middle class, roaming around on a motorbike with itchy hands, hoping to get anything, from a casual touch to something more or even a rich spoilt brat blazing past the girls with high volume music, yearning to catch a glimpse of her assets from in the rear view mirror; as long as he is erotically charged and good at the job. So clearly, your company believes in cultural and economic diversity and follows a policy of anti discrimination.
But what is mind boggling to me is how little it takes to turn you people on. Your employees seem to be motivated round the clock, on all days of the calendar (even on public holidays and festivities). I need not show any skin or dress provokingly to arouse them.
I could be wearing a salwar kameez for all they care, and they would still manage to see the Malaika Arora in me, doing a ”munni badnaam hui” in some brothel, which in turn would force them to think that they have the inherent right to get your hands on me. Are all your employees on a Viagra diet or what? Either that or maybe you just genetically mutated their entire bodies, and now, the only hormonal glands left in them are the ones that secrete testosterone.
For some reason I have never really been able to understand the joy of ”gawking” at women, unless you have a see through camera with a high power lens, fitted in your eyes through which you can penetrate our opaque/sometimes translucent clothes. Your sexual knowledge seems very appalling too. Poking me with your elbow or brushing my butt cannot be half as enticing and satisfying as a normal full fledged lovemaking experience behind closed doors.
Frankly, I expected a little more from our third world men. Also please be kind enough to tell me that you guys aren’t dumb enough to not know that no girl will be swept off her feet if a person sang cheap songs from the 90’s and used disgusting cheesy pick up lines. Because if you are, then I am rolling my eyes at you right now.
Why don’t you guys utilize all that wrongly channelled passion in finding someone who would truly love you and satisfy the sexually charged sexual animal in you at the same time? I am pretty sure that, the place where you come from, the concept may be considered a little absurd and inane. But think about it like this. At least that ways you could prevent getting your cheeks slapped, your ass being kicked and your reputation going for a toss in public.
And as I mentioned earlier, about time you expanded your sexual horizons and started investing your time and body in the real deal. So please seriously consider a change of profession. I understand that it might adversely affect the skyrocketing sales of pepper spray manufacturers or reduce the number of participants in those kung-fu type self defence classes or permanently tarnish your macho reputation in front of your equally shallow, lecherous and boneheaded friends, which according to you would obviously disturb the balance of our entire ecosystem. But I guess you will just have to suck it up. Hope that is not too big a price to pay in order to make the world a little more woman friendly.
I cannot believe that I am the one giving you lifesaving advice here, especially after what you have put me through, during the past few years. But since, I am clearly the mature and aware one here, I figured, why not? So, the next time, any of you see me walking on the street, kindly put restrain on that perverted brain of yours.
DO NOT (under any circumstance) think of me as a hot to trot commodity you inherited from your father or open that filthy loathsome mouth of yours to whistle/comment/sing or make even a single attempt to initiate any kind of physical contact with me. I hereby wish that your company gets hit by (recession) infinity and becomes bankrupt, your headquarter gets jolted by an airplane crashing into it and your entire species goes extinct like that of the dinosaurs’.
Hope to never hear from you again!
You are always in my curses!!
Yours lovingly (NOT)