Breaking Breaking News

Now that the Large Hadron Collider has not consumed the Earth proving its critics wrong (Awe, they really tried to spread the mis-information), what simply refuses to escape my memory is the BREAKING NEWS of the end of the World flashing across the lesser but vastly popular channels of information and news broadcasting.

While their Intelligence Quotient to my mind is sub zero, they rank high on their Emotional Quotient being concerned about flaming the fear in panic stricken citizens and warning and repeatedly reminding them of their numbered days on Earth. What refuses to register in the large but empty ‘think tanks’ is the falsity of alarms they strive hard to elicit in the dimwits (educated and uneducated alike) glued to the aptly named Idiot Box.

Mentioning chronologically their failed pursuits can greatly entertain those who desist having their common (or rather better) sense vacuumed through this entertainment tube (Read Idiot Box, again).

In their race to the bottom of the pits, they leave no stone unturned in achieving the privilege of ‘Breaking’ the most banal occurrence as BREAKING NEWS across the screen, with news flashes more infrequent than the persistent BREAKING NEWS itself.

One instance comes to my mind when a news channel narcissistically aired news about political attacks in its office over inconsequential reasons. Claiming itself to be the first and only channel airing this piece of news in an attempt to inflate their egos and TRPs alike is unnecessary since I doubt anyone else would be interested in their losses anyway.

Moving ahead in time, the Great Khali with his surgically enhanced (or destroyed) body and voice once made for Prime Time BREAKING NEWS. From his plush estate in LA to painful details about each meal of his day seem interesting news to these people. Though I am glad for the useful pieces of information they thrust before our bored faces every now and then (Read: NOT). In fact, I did not know that the door of the Great Khali’s house had to be remade to fit his giant structure. The BREAKING NEWS, my pal, enlightened me.

Even Prince was BREAKING NEWS. Let’s not forget the plight the poor boy had to go through in the tunnel, though it was not aggravated by his blissful unawareness of the minute by minute account of bodily movements and noises and the videos of his chocolates being send down to him from up above. Let’s not even get into the Arushi Talwar case, since my shower of abuses (F%*G P*#$# S themselves, they accuse an innocent victim to be a F*#%^G P%#*[email protected]#E) will be enough to provoke a lifetime ban on the freedom of my speech and expression notwithstanding the continual un’banned’ newsfeeds of the (un)intelligent BREAKING NEWS channels.

Michael Phelps, the Greatest Olympian and record setter, was a likely victim too to this age old tradition of BREAKING NEWS. His ‘Jaanleva Bimaari’ and his abnormally large ears made him less human and more Martian (no wonder he achieved such a feat of 8 Golds). To make matter worse were the red circles and arrows pointing to parts of his anatomy basically the ears to prove a point and their desperate attempt to prove him abnormal.

Even with the August 8 Earthquake, the news readers wasted no time in preparing another Prophecy to keep alive their dignity and the Spirit of their channel’s various endeavours. What better way than a sure shot Black Hole, those conniving scientists have been planning for the past 30 years, and very openly indeed. The very inadequately researched prophecy seemed to be refuted by Discovery and History Channels. So what better strategy than to BREAK the news that we, WE, were the first ones to confirm to our beloved viewers that this ‘Kalaa Daanav’, that has been giving you sleepless nights has been tamed, and life will be beautiful. Though I fail to find beauty in those spaces dominated by these perpetrators of panic and alarm.

We really need to break this habit of BREAKING NEWS, so that every cow born in a village, any boy who isn’t linguistically challenged, any actor who is human, and any dog who is a monkey does not disrupt our linear line of thought to be catapulted into a haze and confusion of ‘Kaala Jaadu’ (Black Magic).

Charulata Somal

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