Banaras or as it was renamed Varanasi (the new name being formed by the combination of the names of the rivers Varuna and Assi that meet here), was a destination to visit in my mind, for a long time.

I have to be truthful to you; Banaras bewilders you, with the colors that it splashes on you. All the colors-black, grey, red, bright yellow and green.

This was the first time that I visited a place where humans, animals, rickshaws, trucks, autos, carts, bullocks, cattle and dogs all precede in the narrow dingy lanes without any complain. That is in fact, the first thing you observe about the city, a not so welcoming gesture though.

So, last weekend was all about getting bewildered and lost in the ghats and narrow dark lanes of Banaras.

How did I get there?

Delhi is well-connected to Banaras by train. A 12 hours journey and you reach a place where you feel that the entire human population is stranded. Well, that’s exactly the first thought. Like something in your head screams out loud and tells you, “Was this really in my mind?”

Varanasi Junction train station (132), also known as Varanasi Cantonment (Cantt.) train station, is the main station.

Hotel Booking

It is always better to do a prior stay arrangement. Don’t ever bank on, on the spot hotel/guest reservations. A friend was generous enough to do it for my group. We stayed at Luxmi Guest House right next to Dashashwamedh Ghat. The daily stay expense was around 1000 rupees per person. One can also contact various ashrams which are a cheaper stay arrangement option.

Two Days, More or Less?

Two days passed away like a dream, they just did!

Starting with a nightmare and ending with memories of a laid back city where people move at their own pace. They don’t wish to hurry up, they don’t prefer going to offices, they are fine with what they do, and that is live life slowly.

If you love visiting temples, if spirituality is your thing, be my guest, places of worship are like everywhere. Well, I am not that much of a religious person, so for me Banaras was all about observing life being lead at a different pace amid Ghats, boats and food.

But, yes I did visit some of the temples.  It was really crowded; rather than looking out for the scent of God, I was welcomed with sweat. But it was all worth an experience.

Some of the temples I visited were:

The New Sri Vishwanath Temple, also called the Birla Mandir, is a part of the Banaras Hindu University. The small markets just outside the temple offer some great snacks and drinks and all of it was really cheap. Try them!

Sankat Mochan Temple, dedicated to Lord Hanuman, welcomes you with a gang of monkeys. One has to be careful with them. Apart from the darshan (sight), what I remember is the ladoos, they were delicious.

Kashi Vishwanath Temple is one of the most famous Hindu temples dedicated to Lord Shiva . According to a myth, a Hindu is expected to visit this temple at least once in his life. You need to have patience to get inside though. And to understand what it feels like  to meet God, after crossing all hurdles (endless queues, people, loud atmosphere), you have to visit this place.

Life along the Ghats

The beautiful Ghats are very mesmerizing. I will carry their vivid memories forever. One can walk across the Assi Ghat all the way to Dashashwamedh Ghat and explore life along the Ganges.

You would find people praying, taking a holy dip, sipping a cup of tea, chit-chatting, performing the last riots, shivering in winters, and lost in the beauty of the mystical river. There is so much of action along the Ghats that one sentence is not enough.

You need to go there and feel it.

I felt it all.

The evening arti (Hindu religious way of worshiping) along the Dashashwamedh Ghat is a choreographed, well-rehearsed act of Pooja which over the years is attracting millions of tourists across the world. Yes, it is not fancy, but you won’t mind experiencing it once.

A must to do activity on your list should be boating in the holy river. I did that both in the morning as well as in the evening, and both the times, it was a different experience.

Do not give more than 300 bucks for a personal boat, it  works just fine for both the boatmen and you, because they will obviously try to charge high but get them down to the above quoted price.

It is fun to compare the Ghats, how one looks so different from the other, though they stand next to each other.

You will be surprised to know that the Ghats have a personal character. Some are colorful, some have the old silk factories since ages, some of them are used to perform the last riots and some are just there, looking old and freckled with time.

As the boat starts receding from the bank, from a distance, all the Ghats form a crescent. It looks beautiful. Perhaps that was God’s motive for Banaras’s creation. If you do not end up getting up early and witnessing this, your journey is incomplete.

And yes, ask the boatmen to narrate the fables and stories, it is fun to hear them, especially while sailing in the river.

Food, how cheap?

If you do not go to Banaras and didn’t try the delicious street food that the city offers, well, you have missed quite a lot of flavor in your trip. Being the foodie that I am, I was a bit skeptical to get way too experimental about street food, but it was good. And once I started I did not stop. When you go there, you should try the banarasi paan (beetel leaves), lassi, thandai, kulhad chai (tea), lemon tea near the Assi Ghat, ladoos at Sankat Mochan temple and food in the small alleys.

Do you love Silk?

And yes, there is a lot I bought for home, silk saris are a delight and a lot of other things such as stoles, gent’s kurtas which you woudn’t mind spending on.

Journey ends

Now I know why the “Lonely Planet” travel guide puts Banaras among the six best cities to get lost in.

You totally get lost in here, sitting at a corner sipping kulhad chai and someone would start sharing their favorite Banaras story.

When I reached Banaras, I thought what big messes I have landed myself into. But after walking through the narrow lanes, eating good cheap food, I left Banaras being amazed by the spirit of the city.

It’s filthy, yet beautiful in its own colorful way.

Swati Singh Sambyal

Image Courtesy [Swati Singh Sambyal]

Last week I chased snow…

The feel of it…

The thought of it…

In my head…

In my skin and bones…

And finally…

How it feels!!

Destination: Kufri (16 km from Shimla on National Highway 22)

Height: 8,600 feet

Mode of Travel: Bus, Jeep, Horse (I’ll get down to the horses later)

Travel Time: 6 hours from Delhi

This journey was all about chasing down snow. Did I? You will know that as you read ahead.

When you are at the foothills, hills aren’t a distant dream. So, I packed my bags with a hope to chase down snow.

Himachal Pradesh isn’t a new place for me. I was born there, travelled there with my family and friends. But this time was different. It was only me and you surely tend to discover things more closely when you are all by yourself.

I just had one day with me and in order to make the most of those 24 hours, I started early, at 5 A.M from Chandigarh.

Within 20 minutes, I was there on the Himalayan Expressway. I was feeling a bit drowsy, but the hills and the sunrise kept me alive. It was serene and beautiful.

The roads were meandering like a river, showcasing the hills, and the sunrise acted like a splash of color to the entire view.

I passed through small hill stations during the journey uphill- Kalka, Parwanoo, Dharampur, Solan.

It took almost four hours to reach Shimla and another 45 minutes for Kufri.

Throughout the journey all I was thinking about was snow; snow laden on Deodar trees, on the mountains and along the road side. But to my disappointment.

Shimla was all bright and shining; with that winter chill that hits your face.

The turns and bends across the road increased rapidly as we entered Kufri. A few passengers, first timers on the hills, pointed out on something that looked like a big lump of cotton ball.

I totally ignored it.

Another bend on the road and to my surprise I saw what I wished, snow laden roads, hills, pine and Deodar trees. It never stopped thereupon.

Kufri was laden with snow as I thought, as I wished.

The bus dropped me right in the centre of this small town.  I took a jeep and within 10 minutes reached the Himalayan Nature Park. The snow was six feet deep.

And therefore I had to take a horse ride. The snow melting in the sun, makes it hard to walk along the narrow lanes surrounded by pine trees and hills.  And the horse ride, well I am going to remember it for a long time.

I tripped almost twice on the way, it didn’t hurt much that time but I can count the bruises right now.

Almost four kilometers of the ride and I reach a place called heaven. The highest point at Kufri is a huge depression in land, surrounded by hills on all the sides.

You can take a deep breath and never let it go, just hold on to it.

It was an awesome moment, like you take a full turn and sense. It was just flawless!

If you are an adventure sports lover, you can ski and feel the adrenaline rush. I saw many adventurous sport enthusiasts enjoying skiing in the ice laden frozen depression at Kufri.

With just a few hours with me, I skipped skiing and walked along, enjoying the snow. But all this is beautiful for some time only. Being there it feels good, but tough times begin when your gum boots start biting.

You would be surprised to know that its so cold that even a cup of tea wont stay warm for more than a minute.

It’s then I realized that the thought to write about is more beautiful.

I also saw China and  its snow laden distant mountains through telescope and got my pictures clicked in a Himachali Dress. And how could I come back without shopping? I shopped for handmade shawls and woolens.

The only drawback of this trip was that I was time bound.  But one thing that I have realized is that you end up having the best time when you are alone and limited time.

So with my first memory of snow and my headphone plugged in my ears I travelled back to Delhi.

For a moment, it felt like Christopher Macandaless, bare feet, wet boots, glacial snow melting in the sun, but after a while you realize you have to get back…to your family…friends…for more of life!!

Swati  Singh Sambyal

Image Courtesy [Swati  Singh Sambyal]

Travelling is like food for me, I need it to live, to breathe, to survive. And in the end, that’s what life is…The roads you forgot, the wrong bus that you took, the train that you could not board, the stranger you met…It’s such incidences that you always remember and think about!

This year, is all about travelling to small places…connecting with roots. And that’s why I chose Bharatpur.

I always wanted to travel to Bharatpur, especially in winters. An expect the un-expected destination, Bharatpur is just five hours away from Delhi.

With the January chill on my face, I reached Bharatpur at two in the morning. A friend had booked a room for me at Hotel Spoonbill. It was like a lodge near the Keoladeo National Park which was formerly known as the Bharatpur Bird Sanctuary.

All that I look for in any hotel is a basic room with a neat and clean bathroom. And for 300 rupees per day a  Hotel Spoonbill fitted my budget well. As soon as I reached my room I was off to sleep to wake up to a beautiful morning.

Day 1, 25^th January, 2013

It was freezing cold and I wanted to go back to bed. But thanks to my friends, I woke up, had my breakfast and reached the bird sanctuary in 15 minutes.

The entrance to the sanctuary was not that grand, and I wondered whether we were at the right place or not. We hired a rickshaw guide and started on the journey into the wildlife, a journey which I am never going to forget.

Spread over an area of 29 sq. kilometers, the sanctuary is divided into 18 square kilometers of dry land and 11 square kilometers of wetland. Living in the city I was devoid of sunshine and had never been witness to rising sun. Well as beautiful things unfold slowly I could see the sun spreading its warmth, falling on our skins, taking over bone chilling wind.

Thankfully the rickshaw guide was very well versed with a vast variety of birds and mammals present in the sanctuary. That’s not all, he was trained by Mr. Salim Ali, the Bird man of India. And when I told him about my native place Himachal Pradesh and my keen interest in the flora and fauna of the country he took extra interest in making me acquainted with the area.

I still remember the hues and the colors which the sanctuary was bestowed with; a drop of sunshine and the whole place was lit with morning glory.

In comparison to last year, this year there were flocks of birds everywhere. Some of the birds that I witnessed were Black Francolin, Grey Francolin, Common Quail, Rain Quail, Jungle Bush Quail, Indian Peafowl, Lesser Whistling Duck, Comb Duck, Tufted Duck, Painted Stork, Black-necked Stork, Eurasian Spoonbill, Grey and Purple Heron, Great Egret, Western Reef Egret, Little, Indian and Great Cormorant, Darter, Western Crowned Warbler, Golden-spectacled Warbler, Stork-billed Kingfisher.

I am sure I saw many more but I can’t remember all the names.

In addition to the flocks of birds, there were ungulates near the wetlands such as the blackbuck, Chital, Sambar and Hog Deer.

The area is also inhabited by small predators such as Bengal Fox, Jackal, Striped Hyena. Some species of poisonous snakes such as Krait, Cobra and Russell’s viper can also be seen.

Bharatpur Sanctuary is a treat for photographers; many international and national photo enthusiasts were present at the time of my visit. I met a couple from Holland who visits the sanctuary every year in January.

For them, “Bharatpur” is a one of kind place, where there is silence and mystic beauty. The best part of the Sanctuary is that commercialization has not yet hampered the place. It has its own simplicity.

This place is a perfect set-up for nature lovers, poets, philosophers and authors, a setup for thoughts, emotions and words. Every breath I took; I was taking something in, an unknown something, which I knew would stay with me for long.

After spending 12 hours in the sanctuary, travelling on a 29 square kilometer wide land, I was tired but not satisfied.

The sanctuary changed its color, from bright to sepia, by evening and it was hard to leave.

After taking a short nap for an hour, I headed to the city of Bharatpur. Frankly speaking there is nothing much to look out for. Everything shuts down by 8 p.m. so with just one hour to go, a city tonga ride for hundred bucks brought out the child in me. I felt no less than a princess, who was on her grand tour. After coming back, I had dinner and within seconds of lying on the bed I fell to sleep.

Day 2, 26^th January, 2013

The best part of this journey was that nothing was planned; everthing just happened as we went ahead. We gave the roads the liberty to take us along and show us the wide landscape.

I woke up late and all of us randomly decided to visit Deeg, 32 kilometers away from Bharatpur.

A 20 rupees local bus ride, mustard fields, broken roads led me to this beautiful small place.

What’s good about visiting small places is that no one tries to make an impression, everyone is just themselves; devoid of any materialistic add on. People help you, without passing any judgement. In a nutshell this is exactly what “Deeg” is like.

I also visited the Deeg Jal Mahal (Deeg Palace), which is famous for the backwaters. I loved the beautiful architecture, huge jharokhas (ventilators), the waters that added reflective beauty to the palace and the artifacts. It almost took two hours to absorb the place and then after having lunch, it was time to bid adieu to this simple life.

The best thing about visiting small towns is  that, you are so lost in the place that after two days you realize that if you don’t have lands; there is no other way to earn bread and butter but to work, to head back to big cities and save money for such trips!

Swati Singh Sambyal

Image Courtesy [Swati Singh Sambyal]

While the entire country is going crazy about the President’s decision to give away the Bravery Award to his son for making “dented and painted” (fat aunty gasp) comments, here are some happenings that news channels dared not tell you about:

To begin with, the central government brought the “much sought after amendment” to the Preamble to the Constitution. Just as the midnight of 21st December (doomsday) gave in to the popular demand of One More Night, the “cattle class” leaders of the nation held a parliamentary session to make the adequate changes.

The amended paper read as, “We, the cattle-class breeders of India, and the proud survivors of 21st December, solemnly abide by the Cattle-istution of India…”

Soon after, the Prime Cattle Breeder (read as prime minister) addressed the nation.

“We did it! Somyaji did it! Congratulations! Welcome to the elite club of Cattle Class breeders – the survivors of 21st December doomsday”.

Although there were nationwide protests on the Prime Cattle Breeder’s speech, the Left Wing of the Right Women Activists Club South Delhi demanded the phrase “cattle class” to be replaced by “rapist”; “We the rapist breeders of India..”

In other news, Vladimir Putin, the unwanted president of Russia, who was in the country to congratulate the 21/12 survivors got lathi charged at India Gate. As per Sanju Suhana, an eye witness, “I was standing under a tree away from the crowd, when I saw a constable beating Putni, or whatever his name is…He fell to the ground just after one lathi. Man! What a girl he is! Psss!”

Putin was soon admitted to Safdarjang hospital.

Although the Mr. Unwanted was said to be in a critical condition, he still made an impressive business offer to the central government. According to his secretary, Russia is ready to sell its latest ”Andolan Control Missile” to India at a very inexpensive rate – 70 billion dollars only.

Incredible India!

In some other very unimportant news, Ian Chappell, the “pandit” who rose to popularity by predicting Sachin Tendulkar’s retirement age, is said to have run out of work.

“Ian always made money by speaking of Sachin’s retirement. But now that Sachin has retired, he has no work to do. Poor Chappell! I sympathize with him,” said Kavi Shastri in a non-exclusive interview with the Funny Side Up.

Meanwhile, Mahindra Singh Dooni “allegedly” became richer by 2 crore rupees. The Team India captain earned a 4 year contract with Nanny Poko Pants. “It was a tough competition between me and Rohit. Fortunately we were good enough to lose to Pakistan in the first T20. Mashallah hum fir haarenge!” he said in a press conference.

Congratulations Skipper! You deserved it!

Moving on to the weather reports,

The coming week is going to bring a lot of noise pollution. It’s expected that Annoy Poswami in Mumbai and the special parliament session in New Delhi are going break the 2000 decibel limit. If you live in any of these cities, make sure you always carry a pair of head-phones and listen to heavy-metal.

As per the met department, it’s going to rain lathis in the capital from Tuesday, so please wear helmets when you get on the roads.

To wrap up this week’s edition, here’s an advice to our readers: If you are thinking about breaking up with your bf/gf, now is the perfect time. Go to India Gate, stand under the Tear Gas Canons, and say all that you feel like. Best of luck!

Arjun Tuli

Image Source [http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_KRG734syqxQ/TDIOwP1IFRI/AAAAAAAAA7o/ovzNS3PvV_A/s1600/breaking-news%5B1%5D.jpg]

Things To Do Before You Die

If the Facebook page of the Mayan Society is anything to go by, their FB account will “freeze” on 21 of December 21, 2012 at 00:00 hrs. (Whether it’s GMT or EDT, people are still confused. According to Troll Scientist it’s the average mean time of all Time Zones on Earth). For one, if that does happen, Salman Khan will die a bachelor, Pakistan will self-immolate itself, and Afzal Guru will die a common man’s death.

Here’s a list of 12 things that you should do before 21st of December:

1.) Go to the South Pole: Do a hand-stand. Hold up the Earth. And if you are lame enough, “dp that pic”.

2.) Kiss a stranger: Totally doable. If she protests say, “It’s end of the world, and I’m giving kisses for free…You’re welcome sweety!”

3.) Admit openly that you watch porn: “Porn? What is that?!” As if you have never logged on to an adult website. All you voguish girls out there, admit it, YOU watch porn.

4.) Pee in front of your Dean’s house: Raju Rastogi did it in front of Virus’s house and so should you. And nail it if you’re an engineering student.

5.) Crash into a girl’s hostel: You have been dreaming about it since your high school days, now is your chance to do it.

6.) Learn an exotic dance: She will surely be impressed by your dancing skills, if not your abs.

7.) Throw a shoe at a politician: It’s your chance to get lucky. Take out that rubber sole from your feet and slap it hard on someone who deserves it – a politician.

8.) Be a prankster: Write a note saying, “You have been chosen to save the Earth. Report at 21:21:21 hours at the old hut in front of Purana Quila” and slip it into a stranger’s pocket.

9.) Gender change: If you’ve always wondered what’s it like to be the opposite sex, then get it done before the 21st. Life won’t give you a second chance.

10.) Get close to mother nature: Walk on the streets with nothing but a leaf on your junk, and shout “We are back to the stone age. Let’s celebrate!”

11.) Shoplift from a lingerie store: Get the perfect gift for your girl friend.

12.) Take to the social network: Last but not the least, change your Facebook status to “So long and thanks for all the fish”, wonder how many of your friends will get the reference to Douglas Adams.

Arjun Tuli

Image Source [http://iamisatthedoors.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/2291801787.jpg]

Pune. It’s been more than a week since the release of Son of Sardar, and the nation has already witnessed more than a hundred causalities, Ajmal Kasab being the latest. As per the reports coming in from Yerawada Jail, Kasab died while watching Son of Sardar on the evening of 21 November.

His last post on Facebook was, “Going to watch SOS, very excited!”

Kasab, who had a Twitter following of over 100,000 people, was ignorant about the movie’s reviews and reactions. Keeping good faith in Ajay Devgn, the husband of his favourite actress, Kajol, he went on to watch the movie.

“We rented a special projector for Kasab’s wish to watch Son of Sardar”, said the chief superintendent of Yerawada jail.

“Butterscotch pop-corn, deep fried momos (Kasab’s favorite dish), McAloo Tikki (Kasab’s second favourite dish) and diet coke were also arranged to celebrate the evening”, he added.

As per the jailer who accompanied Kasab for the special screening, his last words were, “Allah kasam, fir kabhi aisi movie nai dekhunga!” (I swear on Allah, I’ll never watch such a movie again!)

Distressed over his premature death, Kasab’s Facebook friends organized a rally at Taj Mahal Palace, Nariman Point and Oberoi Hotel, demanding to take down Ajay Devgn’s Son Of Sardar.

The government on the other hand, facing stern pressure from external agencies (ISI), decided to put up a “Statutory Warning” on the movie’s posters: “Watching this movie is injurious to health”.

P.S. – If you want to avail your LIC Life Insurance, go watch Son of Sardar.

Arjun Tuli

Image Source [http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-q3go8i8vx1U/UGDMaysFalI/AAAAAAAAPno/nle_tzeijn8/s1920/Son-Of-Sardaar-+Ajay-Devgn-Hot-Sonakshi-Sinha-HD-Wallpaper-01.jpg]

New Delhi. Striving hard to make an impact in the 2014 General Elections, the PJB on Thursday launched a hi-tech mobile app –Pong-ruption –to take on to the ministry at the Centre. The app, specially designed for the newly launched Akash2, will feature all the ghotalas (scams) under the Mohanman Pingh government.

“It has been very hard for the people to keep a tab on all the scams that the Centre has been responsible for. For this purpose, we are launching Pong-ruption“, said the party chief Nanha Kadari at the launch ceremony.

The app comes pre-installed in Akash2, and can be downloaded for free by Android and IOS users.

The interface of the app is user friendly and the navigation scheme is easy, with a search option starting from “Above 1 lakh crore” and ranging up to infinity. The app also features games like “Who is more corrupt?” and “HitVijay Singh”.

According to gaming experts at Tech-Munch, “HitVijay Singh” is going to be the biggest sensation after Angry Birds. The game comes in 24 levels and provides the players with multiple options to HitVijay Singh.

“You can hit him with a baseball bat, slap him tight, punch him in the face, throw a shoe at him, and play tabla on his head. It’s so much fun!” said the chief software developer, “The special effects and the background sounds of the game are amazing. You are surely going to love it.”

Shanky Farmwala, a gaming enthusiast from Farmville (a town in Facebook) said, “I wished the game was launched before Diwali. I wouldn’t have wasted thousands (of rupees) on crackers then. Nothing can be more fun than HitVijay Singh” [sic.]

Nana Sahib Mafkarey, a political supporter said, “Every time I see HitVijay Singh on TV, I feel like kicking him. Now that I’ll download this app, I would be able to hit him whenever I feel like. Shuu! Shaa! Thaa!”

Other than HitVijay Singh, Pong-ruption also features “Vanna’s Prophecy”, which is presumed to become a big hit among Vanna and Kejribal followers.

According to Nanha Kadgari, who has already reached advanced stages of “HitVijay Singh”, Pong-ruption will soon get featured in the Editor’s choice apps on iTunes.

We surely wish that it does sir; the other political parties definitely need to win at something, if not the elections.

Arjun Tulli

Image Source [http://www.flickr.com/photos/hejgustav/2648682803/sizes/m/]

Mumbai. Sick of the regular Nimes Tow expose, people residing in the neighbourhood of channel’s Mumbai Studios filed a police complaint against the noise pollution caused by Mr. Barnab Goswami.

Residents of the Senapati Bapat Marg alleged that Mr. Poswami’s voice has grown louder “expose after expose”.

“The other night, when I was getting romantic with Chunnu ke papa, I heard a thunderous noise in the background, only to realize that Barnab Poswami had started on with the Newshour. “Mood off kar diya!” said Chunnu ki mummi, a resident of Chunnu-Munnu society.

Mehak Kaur of Gulabo society said, “ Barnab bhao ji shouts like a mad-man. Ever since he has taken over the 9 PM show, I haven’t been able to listen to saas bahu chugli from Mrs. Sharma’s house. Huh!”

When our reporter contacted the society secretary, it was learned that the police complaint was filed after the Newshour debate caused a serious car accident in the locality on Tuesday night – the day of Gitin Nadkari expose.

According to the victim, a speeding Alto car (MH AL 0T O.o O.o) hit him from the back as he passed by the Nimes Tow Studios. “I couldn’t hear anything but Barnab Poswami’s voice”, he said. Whereas the Alto driver, who claimed innocence said that he blew the horn before running into the passerby.

The Police SHO (a former Gujrat IPS) who was investigating the matter said, “The case is very “direct and pointe’’. We have got ‘our facts right’. Mr. Poswami is culpable for the accident. His voice level exceeded the 60 decibal mark (the permitted level after 10 pm). We will be arresting him during tomorrow’s Newshour debate; ‘red-handed’.”

The news of Barnab Poswami’s possible arrest generated a lot of hue and cry among his supporters – the faithful Barnabians, as they are called by Mr. Poswami himself. “The police are “shooting the messenger”’. We will never allow that to happen. In support of Barnab sir, we are holding a 90 minute continuous, speaking marathon, with repeated use of the phrases like “you are wrong”, ”I have the facts before me”, “answer my question” and “your channel”, said the leader of Barnab community.

On the other hand, large media groups like NDTV, CNN IBN and Headlines Today organized a mega TRP party to celebrate the fall of the “expose guy”. The channels also ran a 94 point bullet heading about the incident – “The famous expose man exposes himself to new surroundings. Barnab Poswami to go behind the bars.”

Despite all the controversy surrounding them, “Your Channel” people were busy finding a new anchor of their flagship show. According to our sources it is learned that Ravind Sejriwal is topping the list as of now.

Well, all we can hope for is a more dramatic debate, with an overwhelming possibility of Sejriwal tearing off the editorial notes of the news channel itself.

Good luck Mr. Sejriwal!

Arjun Tuli

Image Source [http://wearethebest.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/arnab.jpg?w=300&h=285]

[The comments made in this satire are entirely fictitious]

Lost in the magical melodies of romantic songs, I laid in my bed listening to a FM radio station; when suddenly my ears rose to hear an unusual voice over the radio. The prime minister, Dr. Sanmohan Mingh was live on the radio, dedicating the song “Brown Rang” to Mrs. Kamata Mannerjee.

“Madam ji, mai Brown Rang dedicate karna chahta hun Kamata Manerjee ko”, he told RJ Swati.

Surprisingly enough, the Prime Minister even volunteered to sing the first few lines of the song by himself.
“Kudiye ni tere brown rang ne, munde patt teni saare mere town de… mere town de, mere town de…mere town de ni mere town de. Yo Yo Kamata Manerjee YoYo Sanmohan Mingh”, he sang in a low voice filled with enthusiasm.

When RJ Swati asked Sanmohan if he was facing a tough time talking to Kamata, the PM got emotional and replied, “My party has always agreed to what she has said, but this time around we are forced to implement FDI in multi-brand retail. I want her to understand this, and that’s why I am buttering her. If possible I would also like to come on your “9 bajeki setting” show to have a one on one chat with Kamata ji.”

The prime minister’s move to woo Kamata Manerjee over the radio came as a surprise to the nation. “I tried calling Kamata, but her cell phone was switched off. She didn’t even reply to my text messages. After a lot of consideration and taking the honourable Mandhi family into confidence, I decided to dedicate a song to her”, the prime minister told a press gathering.

The Sanmohan episode on the 92.7 BIG FM was an instant hit, so much so that the cricket fans watching the T20 World Cup switched off their television sets and tuned into the radio.

“I was watching India vs. Afghanistan on TV when a friend called me to tune into 92.7 FM. I’m really amused by the PM’s singing skills. The next time my wife gets upset with me, I’ll call the PM and ask him to sing a song for her; after all he’s a public servant”, said Tanush from New Delhi.

Another resident of Delhi, Mr. Pardeep Sinha said, “I am amazed to see Sanmohan express himself so well. He’s a chuparustam. He’ll never talk in parliament, but when it comes to flirting, he’s a champ. Hah!! Amazing choice by the way.”

Infatuated by PM’s voice quality and throw, Pritom, the well-known music chor, said he would love to have Sanmohan sing the lead track of his upcoming album - Char Soo Bees (420). “Sanmohan’s voice will suit the track. He will also complement Toney Singh for that matter, who is making a guest appearance in the song”, he told MTV.

Meanwhile, the UPA ministry was very happy to see the public acknowledgement of Sanmohan Singh. “This is the first time that the prime minister is getting commended in the public. He is no longer an “Underachiever”, as quoted by a magazine.  On his success as a singer, we soon plan to launch a video album of ten songs. The album will feature Kigvijay Singh ji and Rakhi Sawant along with Sanmohanji. We hope that it becomes a big hit, for we require lots of motamaal for 2014 elections”, said Raoul Mandhi.

Reacting to Sanmohan’s song dedication to her, Kamata Manerjee said, “It was very sweet of Sanmohan to sing me a song, I am really flattered. At one moment, he gave me butterflies. But then I can’t give in on FDI, LPG and diesel reforms. Sorry Sanmohan, but it’s my majboori.”

The NDA on the other hand was bemused by Sanmohan’s growing popularity. They took a shot at the ruling alliance saying that the PM was “bunking” Lok Sabha to attend “late night settings” on radio shows. “PM’s behaviour is totally unacceptable. He can’t just be a womanizer and let down the parliament. We don’t have any confidence in his character now, and so we will be moving a No Confidence motion against the government”, said a member of a prominent party.

Meanwhile, the DMK, an ally of UPA-2, had language problems with the government. The party wasn’t happy over PM’s way of expressing himself. “For years the prime minister has remained silent, and now when he comes out to speak something, it’s in Punjabi.  Huh! How does he presume that we understand Punjabi? It’s a discrimination against us, and we are planning to file in our resignations from the cabinet”, said S. Barunadidi.

“I’m running a coalition, not a restaurant. I can’t keep everyone happy”, shot back the PM, who was last seen riding a “Hummer” along with the famous rap-star Yo Yo Toney Singh on the roads of “DusJanpath”.

Arjun Tuli

Image Source [http://sullivanchair.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Radio-Show-pic.jpg]

[The comments made in this parody are entirely fictitious.]

With loads of free porn available over the internet, what came as a blow to the recession-hit porn industry were the comments of the honourable Union Minister for Human Resources. In a statement that rocked the headlines on prime time news shows, he said, “What kids see on the internet is mostly pornography and that is dangerous. As a matter of fact, our ministry is considering a blanket ban on internet porn. I would also be meeting the passport authority of India to discuss the cancellation of visas given to porn-stars.”

The controversial statement came at a time when porn-stars across the world were hoping to debut in the famous Indian reality show- Big Boss; aspiring to be the next Sunny Leones of Bollywood.

“I have always fancied going to India and working for Mr. Kamlesh Bhatt”, said a leading porn-star of Naughty America, who seemed to be awestruck by Bhatt’s latest production.

Although Mr. Bhatt wasn’t available for comments, his daughter Dooja Bhatt addressed a press conference saying that the Bhatt family was against the statements made by the HRD minister. “With our next film already under the line of production, we would incur huge loss if porn-stars are barred from coming to India. We will file a petition in the Supreme Court, if the proposed changes are implemented.”

Meanwhile, the teenagers in India were reported to be sad and emotional over the minister’s comments. They held a candle light protest at India Gate. “How could the HRD minister be so selfish? He grew up watching porn, and now when it’s our turn, he is proposing to ban the websites. This is complete misuse of power”, said Ravi, a 20-year-old from Delhi.

Srinath, a law student in Mumbai University, became the centre of media attraction when he reportedly tried to commit suicide after watching the minister’s speech on TV. “I have always been a law abiding citizen. I have been abstaining from watching porn, for I am not 18. But next month when I complete the official age to enter a sexually explicit website, it won’t be there”, he wrote in his suicide note.

Hearing the incident, the government quickly announced a birthday gift of twenty “Savita Bhabhi” comics for his 18^th birthday; provided he survives the injuries.

Relaying the news of suicide and the minister’s comments, news channels, on the other hand, was also busy “decoding” the minister’s speech. “The comments indirectly meant that the opposition ministers caught watching porn in Karnataka assembly were still “children” who lacked the experience to run the nation,” read the host of a leading news channel, perhaps inciting a political warfare in the parliament.

The saffron party was stunned by the remarks, and came up with slogans mocking Raoul Gandhy. “With Raoul baba still an amateur politician, the government is calling us immature. Hah!! That’s funny”, said an opposition minister.

Also giving out his reactions to the story was the IIT Bombay student who was arrested by Maharashtra police for possessing sexually explicit content. “Is this some kind of reservation that only ministers can watch porn? This man-marji of the parliamentarians won’t work. I have the very right to watch porn and so I will”, he told the channel in a special interview.

Garnab Aswami, on the other hand, reported that his channel had exposed the porngate scam of the ruling party, “The 2014 Lok Sabha election war intensifies over the porngate. As per the information gathered by “your channel” it has been found that the senior UPA ministry is involved in a porn scam. The recent comments of the HRD minister come as a cover-up. This is an exclusive Time Now exposé.”

On that note, the Comptroller Auditor General of India (CAG), who is a big fan of Mr. Aswami, started adding numerous zeroes behind some single digit numbers to present a hi-fi figure for the news channel, perhaps making Mr. Aswami, what he very proudly claims, “factually correct”.

Worried over the CAG development, the cabinet pondered over presenting a bill to limit the number of zeroes that CAG can use. Also, they asked the honourable HRD minister to take back his comments, thereby trying to save the scam-blotted face of the government from receiving yet another cum-shot.

Arjun Tuli

Image Source [http://www.freshnewsdaily.in/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Karnataka-porn-scam-300x210.jpg]