Sep
08

Its spring again. For Willie (or Will, as he is called by his intimate friends) its one reason to be happy in this world where there are a hundred more reasons to be sad. There is something magical about this season. You need not be an ecologist to be able to say, “Here comes spring again.” He felt it coming even before he saw the signs. It might have been something about the way the wind blew. It was something about the smell of the earth. He never could really guess what it was.

   

“Aaah! Spring!” He stretched his hands and breathed-in the fresh morning air. He took his pen and notebook and set out for his usual morning walk. Today instead of taking the short route to the park, he chose to take the long one, which he normally avoided. The poet in Willie could feel a poem within him, just waiting to be written. He felt it in his heart; he felt it in his mind. What would it be about? Spring of course.

   

He crossed the empty highway and entered the park. It looks more wonderful than ever this time of the year. The trees having shed their golden leaves are clothed in greenery. The grass is fresher, the flowers more lovely. The birds too seemed to chirp much louder this time of the year. “How nice it is to be a bird!” Willie wondered.

   

Maybe he’s right about that. Men have wasted millions for the pursuit of pleasure, but he forgot the simple, serene experience of watching birds fly by and wanting to fly freely like them, wondering, “How nice it is to be a bird”, like Will did.

   

There was a lake in the middle of the park, which was Willie’s favorite haunt. He sat under a tree near the lake, and began contemplating about his opening lines for the poem. He looked from one thing to another, searching for inspiration. It was then he noticed how beautiful the lake looked. He felt as if he never really appreciated its beauty. But it was something he felt each time he saw it. The water was calm and clear. He leaned forward, near the water’s edge. His eyes fell on his own image in the water. “There, that’s me – poor, wretched and miserable”, he thought. He recalled; he had not used a mirror for about a week now. His dark hairs had traces of white even though he was only a little more than twenty-eight. His hollow cheeks and haggard looks made him look much older than what he actually was.

   

His Dad had called him last night. He did not sound pleased at all. In fact, he was very angry. He almost shouted,” Son, I have been really really kind to you all these years. I have shown much more kindness to you than you deserve. But this cannot go on forever. Take up a job; learn to be responsible. Be a provider for yourself because you cannot bank on me to pay your bills forever. I must warn you this is your last chance to prove yourself. I am sure you do not want me to disown you.”
Will’s Dad did not understand him, he always felt that. He knew there were things besides earning money and being rich. Yes even if the readers have been introduced to Will as a poor man, he actually had a rich father. But they fell apart when he was twenty-three and Will has been living on his own since then, doing odd jobs now and then. But in spite of all these, his father helped him out of many a tricky situations.

   

He missed the old days. When he was nineteen, he travelled far and wide. He visited places about which people might not even have heard of. He visited France, Germany, India……….Those were good times. He still regrets that there is so much of the world to see, there is so much to feel, that it cannot all be seen and felt in one lifetime. It was back in college that he seriously considered poetry as a career option. The whole idea of breathing life to lifeless, dumb words and making them speak a hundred things was more appealing to him than any other job in the world.

   

“Is that you, Willie Herby”? Mildly shaken, Will turned around. It was a man, he looked like a jogger. He looked well to do but certainly not one of the filthy rich kind.

   

“Excuse me, do I know you”? Will asked back rather curtly. It was not his usual way of talking but all the tension between him and his father was beginning to take its toll on him and the fact that he was not a happy man was beginning to show very clearly.

   

“Will, don’t you remember me? All these years must have changed me a lot. I’m Jim, James Raymond-we were both members of the same club, back in college.”

   

Will stared at him for a minute and then the memories rushed back to his mind just as if all that had happened yesterday. He did recognise him. He was Jim Raymond. They went to the same college. They were in fact quite close companions. They were members of the same literary society. All the members thought they were outstanding poets. But the only people who understood their poetry were they themselves. It might appear very rude on my part to voice out such strong opinion. But dear readers, in saying that, I say only the truth with the intention that readers would understand what class of poets, Will belonged to.

   

Of all the members, Jim appeared to be the most outstanding. He was their president. And it was an accepted opinion among them that Jim would make a name for himself in the future. He was a fine public speaker. He used to make a lot of speeches. In fact more than half of the ideas in Will’s head had their origin in the speeches of Jim. He used to boast to them, how he would change the world with his verses. He used to criticize the ‘common people’ for the way they had forgotten that life is life, it is not a routine to be memorised and stuck to. It can safely be said that had it not been for Jim Raymond, Will’s life would have been different.

   

“Jim, how long has it been; about six years I suppose? You know I did not expect to meet you here, like this.” Will thought if he had also come to the park to write about spring like him. “Why don’t you come to my place? We can have a drink and talk poetry, just like old times. You know, talk about the poems, the speeches”.

   

Jim hesitantly began,” Will, I would have loved to do that but it is not possible today. I got to go to work, you see. Maybe we can get together some other time. Here, that’s my card. Call me, okay.”
Will was shaken. He haltingly asked, like a man who is slow to the response,” Jim, you’ve got a job?”. “Well yes, I work for a private investment firm. I’ve got to leave right now. Hope I’ll see you pretty soon. We can talk about all the wild and stupid things we used to do back in college”.

   

Saying this, Jim Raymond left our struggling poet to wander in his newly discovered information. He almost felt cheated for believing all that Jim used to say in college was for real. That moment, right there was like a turning point in his adult life. It was then he really felt verses don’t feed mouths, but it starves people to death. Truly, people need to eat their words, before they can eat their bread.

   

Will decided, he would talk to his father. He would take another shot at life and he would get rid of all those foolish ideas in his head. Were his ideas really worthless? Actually they were perhaps unrealistic but they were not without meaning. You might say that they did not any other significance besides being the convictions of a dreamer. I am a dreamer so probably they mean a lot to me but dear readers just pause and wonder once what we all have done with our lives. I thought life was for living it but it happens that the ones who are living life are actually said to be wasting it. I might be wrong since I am one of those dreamers wasting life.

   

Pronoti Baglary

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading ... Loading …

Sphere: Related Content



 
Sep
08

Last weekend the news was announced. Well it wasn’t really announced. I overheard Mom speaking on the phone and put two and two together. Kurian Uncle and Sarah Aunty were coming to town. Mom was, as always hesitant to tell us the news. It was just two days before the ‘event’ and if I hadn’t overheard the phone conversation I have no idea how I would have come to know at all, I later wondered. Maybe Mom planned it as a surprise. An unpleasant one, I thought ruefully.

   

Kurian Uncle is balding old man with snow white hair around his head shaped in a kind of blunt cut. It somehow doesn’t look half as bad on him as the description sounds. He is short, almost delicate with a smile that makes his eyes crinkle. And he always smells of smoke. Partly because of the fact that he only smokes ‘beedis’. He tried a beedi once during his youth and remained loyal to it forever.

   

Sarah Aunty is my mother’s oldest sister and the age difference between them is considerable. She is my mother’s only sister (out of her six sisters) who bears great resemblance to my mom. Though, not quite. The same features that make my mother’s face so lively, make hers look harsh. The shapes of their eyes are the same. However on my mother those eyes can look naughty, loving and happy. On Sarah aunty, they look a little less soft, a little sadder. Maybe more interesting though. Those eyes tell a story.

   

We don’t hate them. Far from it. We love them to bits. A love mixed with fear though. Them coming over means every move of ours being scrutinized.

   

The most important issue to be sorted out before they came was whose room they were going to be staying in. More like, who had to give up their room. I gave up my room last time, I pleaded. My brother gave his all time classic argument. My room is a mess, he said. A quick inspection by my mom revealed that my brother’s room truly was unsuitable for anyone to stay in. He was given a dressing down by mom while I was left with the worse punishment. Sleeping on the couch in the tiny extra room was never a nice option.

   

They arrived two days later, early in the morning. They arrived at 5.30am and were escorted to my room. I had slept in the small room and it being a holiday, woke up at 8.00 am. I hastily brushed my teeth, washed my face and went to meet them.

   

“You’ve grown into a young woman” said Sarah Aunty smiling, “Were you working till late night yesterday?” asked Kurian Uncle. “You’re up late”. I hastily avoided the question unable to bring myself to tell uncle that I in fact had woken up early as on holidays I usually slept till noon.

   

The day chugged along quite uneventfully. Sarah Aunty asked me who the boy in all the pictures in my room was. I told her he was my boyfriend. I considered lying, though in some kind of stubbornness blurted out the truth. I watched her press her lips firmly together. I waited for say to say something but she didn’t.

   

Kurian Uncle asked me whether I had gotten a first division at college. I told him I did. Then he proceeded to ask me whether I had come among the top three in my class. I politely told him that I hadn’t even come among the top ten. “Not even among the top ten” he repeated shaking his head. I felt myself prick with irritation and hastily left the room.

   

Comments continued throughout the day. My brother was asked how come he didn’t make it to the top law college in Bangalore. I was asked why I didn’t eat green vegetables as that was probably the reason for all the pimples on my face.

   

Three days were finally over and it was time for them to leave. I felt a prick of pain when I saw my uncle bring his suitcase to the living room.I looked at aunt’s face. I knew they felt bad about leaving. I wondered for a moment what their life was like. Just the two of them in their sprawling bungalow in Kerala. They didn’t have children and that was their life’s biggest tragedy I had heard.
Just before leaving, Sarah Aunty gave me a warm hug. She then looked into my eyes and said “You are such a wonderful girl. I have always wanted a daughter just like you.” I thought her eyes glistened a little. I saw Uncle smiling at my brother and me.

   

They left and I strangely felt empty. I watched them through my window and found myself wishing that they had stayed longer. Though maybe, not quite.

   

Aditi Jain

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading ... Loading …

Sphere: Related Content



 
Aug
16

The notification arrived on the 24th of August. He held the large bulky envelope from NASA for a long time in his hands. Besides detailed maps, pictures, and diagrams of orbits, it contained a short letter that had turned his world upside-down.

   

“Due to the revision of the term ‘Planet’ by the IAU, we regret to inform you that you no longer fit the description. It has been a delight to have had you as the ninth planet of our solar system…”

   


Read the rest of this article »

Sphere: Related Content



 
Aug
16

Dear Basanti,

   

I am writing this letter to you only because when you’ll read this I’ll be long gone and you would have dropped your Puja Thali reading this. I know you’re going to read this, seeing my face on the letter and imagining me speaking these dialogues. I’ve been captured by Thakur who’s taken me prisoner in his humongous castle, unimaginable in Mumbai considering the sky rocketing real estate prices, but he is the man doing all the bad karmas to deserve such palatial dungeons. I’ve been subject to most innovative tortures, especially the one where I’m tied by the rope suspended above sharks even though they are nowhere to be seen in Indian waters; but hey, who cares when Thakur Singh is King? By the time you’ll read this I would’ve died with Thakur giving an evil laugh in the background, along with one of his bald Shettys (villain sidekicks). I would’ve delivered a melodramatic dialogue enlisting all the curses required to be thrown at the Thakur.

   


Read the rest of this article »

Sphere: Related Content



 
Aug
02

It was a gloomy morning. I somehow woke myself up and made my way to the bathroom. On my to the bathroom, my hand mechanically slipped into my pocket and came out with a cylinder. I could barely feel the heat. And then I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. Dark circles under my eyes, hair in a frenzy, face all lost, but worst of all a lit cigarette in my hand. I was smoking my way to someone I really detested from someone I was proud of. But, that proud self seemed to be a mere shadow of what I was looking at in the mirror.

   


Read the rest of this article »

Sphere: Related Content



 
Aug
02

It rocked with a peculiar squeaky sound and he just wouldn’t let it stop. It appeared as if Bryan would speak up any moment now - “Stop rocking the hell out of me!! What is wrong with you?”

   

He continued to search for his much desired obscurity, sitting by the old rocking Bryan, on a flimsy wooden stool; his hair unkempt, eyes red with lack of sleep and weariness dripping from his face.

   

Shail had not moved a muscle for past two days. For some reason unknown to me, you and his beloved parakeet, Anna - he had just sat staring out of the huge glass window for the past forty eight hours. It were as if he were in trance, sitting and rocking Bryan. Strange as it may sound but he called his rocking chair Bryan, the sturdy old companion had been with him for a decade now.

   


Read the rest of this article »

Sphere: Related Content



 
Jul
27

In a sleepy town like ours, not much ever happened, really. Small, inconsequential events were talked about for days and weeks afterward, for want of anything better. The name of the neighbour’s newborn son was, I remember, a topic of heated debate for several weeks. If someone purchased new furniture, we’d talk about his taste (or lack of it), how he could have arranged for the money, if his wife pestered him into it or whether he was just a closet interior decorator. That last was a favourite joke of mine for a long time.

   

I hope that this introduction suffices to justify, or at least explain to a slight extent, the flurry excitement that was generated when the strange and mysterious Mr. Tweed moved into the old Jameson’s residence a couple of blocks down from the pub. The gossip mills had fresh stock to run on, and everyone wanted something original to say. The tiniest details of his historic moving-in event were brought up and analysed by men and women alike, over mugs of beer or pots of tea respectively.

   


Read the rest of this article »

Sphere: Related Content



 
Jul
27

In early December, three years ago, I boarded a public tempo to make it to school in time. School buses have their history of negligence and errata, and mine had failed to arrive at all. No one being home, I had to fend for myself. Bunking was out of question, for exams were on their way.

   


Read the rest of this article »

Sphere: Related Content



 
Jul
20

Part I

   

They somehow found Mark and me in the mineshaft. I don’t know how they got through. When we had tried to escape, it had seemed like there was no way out. Perhaps I missed something; some way out somewhere, hidden from my battle weary eyes. It was foolish to expect Mark to assist me in my search for an escape. He had been hit by a bullet, a bullet in the gut; the worst way for a soldier to die. He died slowly and painfully, the transition from life to death stretched over nearly three hours; long painful breaths and the slow flow of blood.

   


Read the rest of this article »

Sphere: Related Content



 
Jul
20

You know that little voice in your head? Yeah, that sanctimonious self-righteous s.o.b in the back of your head that’s always cribs and cries and never lets you have fun. Whether you’re pushing around that dork in school with those nerdy spectacles and plastic retainer, or trying to get it on with the drunk bitch at the party, that irritating whine is always there in your head, bitching and nagging all the time till you give up and go along with it just to shut it up. Drives you up the wall, doesn’t it? And don’t give me all that shit about ‘doing the right thing’. If I don’t get anything out of it, then it’s definitely not the right thing. That’s why I killed off that whiny little bastard in my head a long time back, and that’s why I’m called a psychopath.

   


Read the rest of this article »

Sphere: Related Content



 
Jul
13

She glided to the window, the city’s yellowed sphere somehow seeming to be marked for the sole purpose of the buzz below, as if the dark night was nonexistent. The multi-storied apartment that she had bought only 3 months before had been lavishly designed and furnished within no time. Probably the fastest anyone would expect on a 3000+ square feet area. Yet, as she peered down, the window had become a transcending mirror, the city’s gleaming night lights and shining metallic bodied vehicles exuberated a chill. Did the city ever sleep? Did it allow the dark night to fulfill its purpose of carpeting the world under its protection?

   

The radio played a tango and was so upbeat; it could lift anyone off their seat to break into a dance. As she glanced down below, where the city’s slum and glam co-existed miraculously, sharing the same chill of the night, her mind collapsed into a whirl of thoughts, probing her to lift her feet and dance to the call of mankind. It seemed that the more the city tried to hide its imperfections under the brightness, even as darkness loomed large above, the more its shortcomings were highlighted by the same.

   


Read the rest of this article »

Sphere: Related Content



 
Jul
13

Ramu mama’s snores sounded through the common window separating 35 and 36, Ramar Koil Street, and could be heard from where Nasreen Gopal sat next door, cross-legged. With nothing better to do at that time in the village of Illundavoor, and no one to talk to (as Mr.Gopal had left to Chennai for the opening of another cafe at Mambalam), Nasreen sat playing with the ends of her dupatta. Suddenly, she thought she would go and have a mid-afternoon chat with Mami and after bolting her door, she immediately knocked on the adjoining one. Janaki Mami opened it carefully, lest she woke mama up.

 

Ushering Nasreen into the huge dark storeroom, Mami at last opened her mouth, “Onna thaandi-ma nenachen! I was just thinking of calling you to help me clean some old trunks.”

 

“Of course, mami. I was so bored,” Nasreen replied, “Tell me where to begin!”


Read the rest of this article »

Sphere: Related Content



 
Jul
06

Gwen Twinklespark was upset. No, upset wasn’t the right word. Distraught, more like. The day had begun fairly well; she had seen no signs of it possibly going this bad. The eggs had been perfectly poached and her protein shake had tasted just the right amount of disgusting. Her D&G suit had been well ironed and her Jimmy Choos polished to the point where she could see her own carefully cared for picture perfect white teeth. It all began when her chauffeur had said “Get in, Barbie!” instead of the usual “Good morning ma’am”. She had been too shocked to react and simply got in.

“James, are you feeling quite alright?” James leaned over and grinned. He motioned for her to come closer and whispered “I feel like I’ve been whacked on the head with a what-do-you –call-‘em…a Humperdinck whale. Yeah, that’s right Barbie! A Humperdinck whale…hahahaha!”

Gwen sighed. She had been around parties long enough to realize that her chauffeur was drunk.


Read the rest of this article »

Sphere: Related Content



 
Jul
06

I was six years old. Yes, six. A lot of this story has much to do with my age which is six.

I hated school. I had just started it, by the way. But I knew I was going to hate it. Forever.

Every morning a big green bus would come for me. I would be at the bus stand with my mother and would burst into tears just looking at it. I didn’t really know what I hated more–the school or the school bus.

I would get into the noisy bus and be squashed into a seat with two other children dressed identically in blue—like me. I didn’t really like them.

I would swallow my tears and be brave. Some days I wouldn’t bother and would cry unselfconsciously. Howling at the top of my lungs would be a better description.

This particular day I decided to follow the latter course. The usual scene followed. The other two identically dressed children would cover their ears. And then the conductor would come and talk to me. First, he would console me, be nice to me. And then when his patience ran out, he would raise his voice and ask me to shut up.

A nice woman traveled in the bus. She was a teacher and a friend of my mother’s. When I entered the bus after yet another dreadful day at school, she would smile at me. I liked her smile. Her name was Evelyn.

This particular morning, she was not sitting very far from where I was sitting .And in a few minutes she enquired what chaos was all about. I guess someone told her.

She came up to my seat. She sent the identically dressed blue clones to her seat and then smiled at me.

“How are you doing today?” she asked. I didn’t oblige and bawled away, oblivious. She tried for a while and I started to talk a bit. And I stopped crying.


Read the rest of this article »

Sphere: Related Content



 
Jun
28

I see him everyday. Rather, every morning. This old man in tattered clothes. Sitting on the steps of the subway that brings me from across the road to HT House. An old man wearing a dirty dhoti. A light pink half-sleeved shirt that does not even look pink now, it has become grey over time with all the dirt. A waistcoat that is frayed at the edges. And a pagdi on his head. With a steel bowl in his outstretched hands. Begging for alms. Begging for food. Begging for coins. Begging for any small mercy that might be carelessly thrown his way.

People pass him by. Office-going men, walking busily, with a fast step, not wanting to be late to their workplaces. Hawkers, who have their wares to sell and profits to make. Students, with i-pods and mobile phones plugged into their ears, listening to music. Women, returning home from work, to look after their children and cook hot food for their husbands who will be back from work soon.


Read the rest of this article »

Sphere: Related Content



 
Jun
28

She sat on a rusty old bench in the middle of the bustling market. Her head felt heavy, her heart heavier. The feeling had been with her for a while, ever since she found herself talking to him like a mature and responsible adult.

She told him she couldn’t go on any further. Her undying optimism had reached an unfortunate end. This relationship, she felt intuitively, wasn’t going to last.

He didn’t object. Instead, he solemnly agreed. Perhaps, surprised at his own ability to have an emotionally mature conversation.


Read the rest of this article »

Sphere: Related Content



 
Apr
29

He found Karan outside, on the bit of sandy plot behind the house that had never really took to a garden. Karan was slouched into the little swing set the kids used in what had to be a painful posture, spine curved as he bent his neck to read The Hobbit, Nisha’s reading light clipped to the pages. After a moment of hesitation, Danny lowered himself gingerly into the swing next to him. They couldn’t have done with just one swing, after all.

“Oh, hey,” Karan looked up at him in very unconvincing surprise. It was quiet in their corner of the street at that time of the night, and the waves could be heard in a distant brush and scrape. Karan’s swing creaked a little as he shifted on the plank, and then it was silent in the garden again.


Read the rest of this article »

Sphere: Related Content



 
Apr
29

“Jasminus melanus was unbeautiful. It is not an individual opinion, but an established fact, just as the sun rises in the east or the moon goes round the earth. There was something disturbing about that disoriented the mind, scratched the senses as though with fingernails. It was a coal-black rebel in a genus of romantically snow-white blossoms, an aberrant piece in an otherwise congruent jigsaw puzzle.

1. The plain little head had five tapered petals fused at awkward angles, as if tousled by a gust of wind.

2. The prickly green stalk, instead of standing erect like that of a proper flower, bent ungracefully, like a disturbing question mark.

3. Furthermore, melanus stank with the vomitty pungency of a putrid corpse.


Read the rest of this article »

Sphere: Related Content



 
Apr
03

As the day grew old, weary and grim, James took one last look from the window pane. These were to be his moments in solitude.


Read the rest of this article »

Sphere: Related Content



 
Apr
03

Name : Superman Joe

Age : 25

Vocation : Construction worker

 


My Granddad used to talk of those times, the Long Long Ago when being a Superman was a novelty. People stared in wonder and reverence at such a marvel and secretly envied those lucky few. Not anymore. Now EVERYONE is a superman. Earlier, Superman were given only high profile jobs like hunting down criminals, entering into Cinema and being part of decision making politics. Look at me, I’m a construction worker. I use my Superman abilities to efficiently make building, bridges and, sometimes, even a car.


Read the rest of this article »

Sphere: Related Content



 
Apr
03

 

As I lay under the dazzling yellow bulb of the operation theatre, my heart sank, life was so strange. I had just seen the light of my life fade away and here I was, braving this superficial source of illumination.

 

 

 

I closed my eyes and the past 30 minutes came reeling back. In the last half an hour I had lost much more than I had gained in all the springs of my life, I had been robbed of all feelings, emotions and sentiments that ever gained entry into my thickset heart. My status was like that of the uprooted leaf which is whirled by the storm only to be tossed up and down and then dumped flat on the ground.

 

 

 

I was in a state of complete disorientation, couldn’t think straight. Images, sounds, people were all getting muddled in my mortal organ. The realization that he wasn’t around any more hadn’t sunk in at all. I knew there had been an accident but that was about it. Obviously he would come to ask me, “How are you doing darling?” Of course he would come, he had to, I thought to myself. I refused to see the reality which stood staring me in the face; the ugly and painful truth was too much to bear. I needed to defy it to breathe; I needed to deny it to survive myself.

 

 

 

His mother’s wails unceremoniously shook me out of my make believe world. She came and hugged me tight and howled her heart out but not a word escaped from my mouth. I wanted to tell her that she was worrying unnecessarily, her son would come barging into the room at any time now and mock her weak nerves using his usual acerbic humor but somehow the will to deny her was crumbling, my being was shrinking.

 

 

 

Often it is silence which is more difficult to comprehend and tackle than loud wails or sharp words. His father’s somber, grieved eyes stunned and scared me. No, no, no! He couldn’t do it to us- I felt the baby move and a sharp urge to let my sorrow flow through my eyes overpowered me but I held on, still hoping out of the hope that nothing had happened to him. No, he couldn’t leave our child solely to me; he had always aspired to be the father his dad had been to him. I knew he was a survivor and that he would fight and struggle to be with me and our child; he had loved me more than I had known him to love anyone or anything in his life. We had dreamt of so many things together about the baby and now; now to believe that he had escaped from all of it seemed impossible.

 

 

My gaze fell on the blood blemished ring that he had given me before becoming….senseless- nah! He hadn’t gone anywhere, he couldn’t go, I thought with fresh determination and falling fortitude. The cryptic moment came frenzying to the treacherous ticking of destiny and shook me up yet again. After the ill fated crash of our vehicle with that of a drunken teenage, we had skid on the road and split apart. The impact of falling left me paralyzed to move a limb. Blood seemed to be gushing out of my body like a hundred fountains had been dug onto me, I felt movements in my belly, the entrails of my being were turning fluid, I knew the baby was on its way into the world.

 

 

 

When I looked at him, I froze. He was dripping with blood all over- his forehead, jaw (that I loved to kiss), his shoulders (my pillars of strength) and his arms (which so lovingly held me during the nights) were all smeared in blood but I did not cry or scream because I knew that it was just a mishap and that all three of us would be fine, tomorrow was another day after all, nights never lasted no matter how full of passion and wild ecstasy they had been for me. Through misty eyes I had seen him smile and heard him drawl out the words, “I love you baby and I love loving you.” I couldn’t help twitching the corners of my lips in the form of a smile even when the pain was seeping through me like poison. He slipped the ring onto my finger and kissed my brow and before I could know what had happened, I was involuntarily dragged into darkness.

 

 

 

On regaining consciousness I found myself immersed in pools of light and sympathetic faces. Panic seemed to reign supreme after the first few moments of absolute incomprehensibility. I shuddered at the growing sense of dread which was becoming evident with every moment that was passing away; I felt it in the air but tried shrugging it away with everything that was left in me. Looking at the ring had been the last straw; I couldn’t hold myself together after that and the ocean of grief that had been held back by the faint barrier of reason and hope unleashed and flooded my entire sense of existence. I burst into loud sobs muttering his name, gasping for breath and crying only “no, no, no!”

 

 

 

I felt a pound of pain pulsating from the centre of my being and radiating to the tips of my fingers, my lips and my toes. It was excruciating and my sinews ached as if I was being whipped but my mind was plunged into total darkness. I could sense the pressure of the air column above my head; I was being crushed under the weight, under the gravity of something as light as air and as heavy as my grief. I wanted to see him desperately, once, just once I thought to myself but he was nowhere to be found. It made me cry out in agony because I needed him and he wasn’t around, because I depended on him for my life, because living without him was almost a sin.

 

 

 

My hysteria increased till the time nothing came out of my mouth but incoherent, heart wrenching cries. The throbbing pain had increased manifolds and I realized that something fluid was being churned inside me. I felt the contractions, the movements and heard someone say,” Quick! She is in labor.” Feet shuffled, hands moved with expertise and orders voiced about me but it had ceased to affect me. I was detached and aloof, I was present bodily but my soul was searching its counterpart. It moved restlessly, impatiently trying to find a trace of him but with no effect. The failure disappointed me but I did not lose hope. I uttered a shriek as I sensed the baby move, it shook me from within. I so wanted to hold his hand and bury my face into his chest. Once, Lord, just once I prayed earnestly. There was nothing that I wanted more than his touch at that moment but he wouldn’t come, he wouldn’t hold me, not once, not ever now.

 

 

 

For a brief second I thought that I saw him, I was exalted. I involuntarily spread out my arms to touch him but he just stood there smiling. I looked at him through murky eyes muttering, “Please baby, please, come here.” But he did not move. His eyes held the faint look of resolution that I had seen in them and I knew that he wouldn’t come to me no matter how hard I tried. It broke me again, how could he do this to me at this point of time? How could he leave me when “our” baby was gaining entry into this world? He was trying to escape when our love was butting against all odds to make its presence felt. Despair overflowed through fresh tears from my eyes, it was killing me and the inconsiderate motions of the baby were constantly drawing out my strength. I felt that I would die, that I wouldn’t hold out any longer. My eyelids were giving way to gravity and I suddenly felt too weak, pain did not bother me and my breath became erratic. I was almost slipping into the heavy state of indifference when I saw him smiling at me once again and saying, “You’ve got to pull through. You can’t let me down; you can’t do this to the child, not now, not ever. He is ours.” I tried protesting, tried telling him that I couldn’t bear to live without him, that I wasn’t that strong, that I wanted him and that I was coming to him and no one could stop me now. He smiled his calm but stern smile and said,” No! I am not taking you with me and you have to bring the child for me because the child is me.”

 

 

 

I hadn’t really believed in talismans or mantras but that one sentenced seemed to have worked wonders evoking a thousand emotions in me at once. By a sudden jolt I was brought back to life and fought feebly against my own wish to give it all up. I knew I had to bring out our child and I decided that I would, come what might come. I mustered all my failing strength and did as the doctors told me, I pushed, even though I felt as if I was going to burst, I gritted my teeth and I clenched my fists and unwillingly the memory of that night surfaced in my mind. The night, when we had decided to bring to this world an evidence of our togetherness. I shuddered at the lucidity of the memory; it was so fresh and alive, as if it was almost breathing in every atom of my body. As I closed my eyes in effort I saw his face, tensed with excitement but dotted with a strange anticipation. I had never seen that look before or since and hence it was etched on my brain explicitly. I almost felt his breath hot against my face, his fingers entwined into the mass of my hair and his body pressed hard against mine, hurting me, punishing me and yet loving me with all his soul.

 

 

 

I wondered whether it was love or loath that made him do so, that made him cannibalistic so much so that it made him tear me apart with a violent urgency and unfailing intensity. His muffled words resounded in my ears as I uttered another cry of pain, “I can never show you how much I love you baby.” Tears sweat, longing and pain encompassed me. A sudden convulsion of muscles and a nascent cry proclaimed that I had gained the last remnant of his physical presence though I had lost him, and a part of myself that came to life because of him and died with his death, forever.

 

 

 

 

Days passed after the birth of our son but I could not get over him. In spite of the huge relief that the little boy had been to me, I had been fighting and I still fight a lonely battle against the ghost of his memories. There is a strange hollowness within me, a kind of vacuum where nothing stirs except the desire to be with him. It is after his going away that I realize what he had meant to me. I knew that he was my life but now it seems that he was my soul as well. Often on full moon nights when I sit at my window during those late midnight hours, my gaze never fails to rest upon the moon. The bright radiance of the milky celestial body drowns me in an ocean of peace and beauty and I see him again, smiling at me. He looks young even now, after ten year of being away from me. He never calls out to me; perhaps he doesn’t want me anymore. The thought stones my heart and before I know I start shedding tears- tears of desperation for not being able to live with him, tears of longing for the sight of his face, for the sound of his voice, for the touch of his skin, tears  of pain for having to continue breathing for so long without him.

 

 

 

I sit poignant with my head on my knees still looking at the moon till the first rays of the morning sun touch the tear drops glistening in my eyes and shout out that a new day has come. I rise up with effort, reluctantly, cheerlessly, dwelling upon the futility of my life, the gnawing nothingness and meaninglessness of my existence but then I hear a subterranean, loving voice and for an instant my heart swells with joy thinking it is him! I turn around to discover half opened eyes of my little son- he has got his eyes, his nose and his voice and is the strongest reminder of him for me than any of our commemorative material possessions. I get a little disappointed at not finding him there but in the next instant I wonder at my insanity, at my capacity to search for him even after ten long years and then I am gripped by my child’s love, his innocence and his needs. I shake away all the fatigue of my memories and of the long restless night and try finding my own life in that of the little boy. I hug him tight and promise myself that I will do whatever I can for him and never leave him the way I was left. I tell myself every morning that he is the sole reason for my being alive but even in this confession the man in my life is all pervasive….I look out from the window and speculate if ever I will come out of him and live my life for myself and myself alone. It seems a distant possibility for he seems to be encapsulated in every iota of my being for so long a time that even eternity seems short…

 

 

Swati Verma

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (3 votes, average: 4.33 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading …
Sphere: Related Content



 
Mar
28

You’ve hardly said a word since you’ve been back. As the odd-shapes of carbon flicker, they reflect upon your face in all its pale glory. You’ve seen the world, you tell me. And you haven’t moved a foot. The wines are sipped, and the quiet clattering of cutlery perform sonatas with clamouring, excited and hushed whispers of everyone present. Perhaps, the sofa makes you uncomfortable. A bit? No?

Is it me?

Your ivory skin and brown freckles once had a history of culture attached to them, and I loved how they used to end up, curled in my lap like that on wet Sundays. But now, I can’t seem to place it, but now…they speak of revolt once, then reluctant disdain, then revolt again. I try (a little too hard, maybe) to remind you of all the jokes we shared- even going through the times when I laughed just to please you. You smile alright, I’m not complaining. But you rob me of any pleasure by smiling in that cold, hard way. The longest silence of our…my…life ensues. We had this before, but then we looked at each other. But now you’re busy, trying hard to decode the sonata being performed as each new song is played on the piano. As some rather kind soul begins to play Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata, you blink and look at me for the first time.

I pause. You know it’s my favourite song, are you goi…

You’re not the only one, you tell me, in a dead-pan voice. I stare back, not even remotely wanting to know what you mean. Your voice grows harsher, then softer and finally colder with every word as you tell me it was me who made you believe I was the only one out there. You made me believe you’re one of a kind, you tell me, almost leaning over me from across the sofa. Your arm jerks as you emphasize that last sentence, causing the wine to tip over from your glass. But when I went out there, Magic…no, don’t look away, listen to me now Magic…but when I went out there, into the real world, there were so many of you around. And it just makes me angry. You’re no find, and I’m no find. You’re a coincidence, and I’m none. You’re out there! You’re…everywhere I go and you’re in everyone.

I push a lock of hair behind my ear as I gulp the applause from the piano down. Isn’t…isn’t that love? I suggest to him, not wanting to look into those burning eyes. He pauses for just a microsecond, or maybe he never did. He lets out an angry chuckle and exclaims You didn’t leave ANYONE Magic! You found a place in everyone and you deceived me. You’re nothing but words filled in a vessel. The atmosphere suddenly drops to a silence. I smooth my skirt and look at my shoes.

She comes and sits next to him. What’s that? I hear him ask, with a charming smile. Ah, Realitee. That’s a nice name. I like how it rolls off the tongue. I hope there aren’t too many of you around, ha ha. She looks a little flustered at that remark, but they soon catch the train back to infatuated conversation in time. As you exchange numbers and proceed to get your coats, I cannot help but wonder. If you saw me everywhere, and that brought you pain, wait till you love Realitee. I hear she’s one hell of a drama-queen. And then perhaps, at the next party, it will be her sitting on this couch, desperately trying to tell you its called love, not deception.

So we’re just repeated hits and misses then?

Shruti Rao

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (2 votes, average: 4 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading …

Sphere: Related Content



 
Mar
28

‘I sent a letter to my father, and on the way I dropped it. Someone came and picked it up, and put it in my pocket…’

 

Again.

 

‘I sent a letter…to MY fa-th-er, and ON the way I dro-pped it. Someone…came and…picked it up and, put i-it in MY po-cket…’

 

 

Every weeknight I heard this childish jingle just around the time I went to bed. The first time the strains of this well-loved ditty floated in, I sat up, pleasantly surprised, nostalgic. Walking to the window, I pulled aside the blinds, and peered out. I saw no one. The singing, however, went on.

 

 

Five minutes later I could no longer hold myself in; I went out and looked for this mysterious singer, a child singing in the sweet, unselfconscious way that only they can. I looked here, I looked there, behind the fountain, in the woods, but I couldn’t find the owner of the voice. Finally I just stood still, and allowed the voice to wash over me; there was something so pure about it, something that touched me in a way I didn’t remember.

 

 

The next day I heard the singing again, but in locating the singer, I was unsuccessful yet again.

 

 

Some days, instead of the singing, I heard it being played on a child’s 1 octave keyboardette. The tune drifting in was like a soothing lullaby, and I would fall asleep listening to it. It amused me, a reversal of roles; the adult being sung to sleep by a child.

 

 

My friends were horrified when I related this nightly occurrence.

 

“Are you crazy? You actually go out into the woods when you hear it?”