Before I start writing this piece, I must confess that I am extremely nervous about treading into “dangerous” territory. However, I must also accept that I just can’t stop myself from writing on this topic and would therefore have to take the risk, knowing very well that I might have to face dire consequences! Talking about this “sensitive” issue is no less than opening a Pandora’s Box, where so many controversies just overshadow simple and basic facts.
It so happened that the other day, I was traveling by a DTC bus which stopped at a bus stand and there, I saw a lady enter the bus. I instantly got up and offered my seat to her. She smiled at me as she graciously took the seat. My chest swelled up at the very thought of being so chivalrous and pleasing a lady.
However, on another day, I was forced to vacate a seat because I was sitting in the Women’s Section of the bus. This was where my confusion started. Firstly, I didn’t know whether it was chivalry, because chivalry means men having a courteous behaviour towards women which is not forced upon, but is more like a sign of showing respect. I definitely respected her right to that seat but I am not sure if I had the same level of respect for that lady after that incident.
This brings me to my second point, if it wasn’t chivalry, then was it feminism? Before I build up on my discussion (or confusion), I would want to delve into the true meaning of the term “feminism”(for my sake or the reader’s). To put it very simply, feminism is the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men. This means that women should be treated equal to men in all aspects of life.
This makes me even more confused because when that lady demanded that seat, did she already assume that she was the “weaker sex” and thus needed that “reservation”? If she were a feminist (which all women are!!), then she would have believed in the “equal rights theory” and wouldn’t have demanded that seat since by doing so she is also respecting my right to that seat. So what feminism has actually done here is that it has not only proclaimed women as the “weaker sex” but has also killed that sense of chivalry in me, because it was imposed (or maybe she just wanted the seat because it was reserved and she had an opportunity to it, and that I’m just overanalyzing the whole situation since I have nothing better to do).
When chivalry becomes compulsory because of feminism, the entire notion of the former dies out. While some feminists believe that chivalry is a part of feminism, because you can’t uphold women’s rights without showing respect to them. I, however, believe that it is a bit ironical if it is forced upon. As I said earlier, you can force me to respect her rights, but through this act you can’t force me to respect her. So isn’t the entire concept of feminism a bit flawed? Having made this statement, I believe I have placed my life in jeopardy.
It seems our “attempts” to be chivalrous can be interpreted as attempts to assert superiority and drive women to an inferior position in our polity and society, which again goes against the entire notion of feminism. To offer acts of chivalry, men must consider women to be a “weaker sex”, at least this is what a few women think.
Coming back to my confusion, are chivalry and feminism mutually exclusive or is chivalry a subset of feminism? Even after putting so much thought into it, staring at this computer for nearly two hours collecting facts, I fail to come up with a convincing answer. Some women find it nice to have the car door opened for them, some are offended by it, and some expect it.
Having said all this, I would want to make another “perplexing” statement – I am a feminist. After reading this, some people might think that I’m either really confused or this is a dire attempt to save my life which I earlier placed in jeopardy. However, I’m a feminist who believes that women should get equal rights in society, which they haven’t received in the past. I believe that because of the existing structure in society even if women need certain reservations, it is justified. What I don’t believe in is that women should exploit this opportunity to degrade men by taking advantage of situations in the name of feminism.
What each and every man or woman needs to do is to search for the true meaning of feminism and not follow a warped idea of it, where respect comes not from fear, but from the heart, where the rights of a woman are upheld without compromising the rights of a man.
I personally feel that these offers of courtesy should not be seen as degrading and that gender equality should have no influence on our use of common courtesy. Chivalry is not in direct conflict with woman’s equality as long as equality represents equal opportunities and not physical equivalency. If reservations are required to provide equal opportunities to women, then so be it. Would accepting this “help” render women inferior to men? This brings us back to where we started.
But even in the midst of all this confusion, I will still be that chivalrous boy that my parents brought up. I will still open a door, vacate a seat, help the ladies with their luggage, pay for the first date (only the first one mind you!!), stand up when a lady enters a room, irrespective of what the other sex thinks of it. Chivalry is definitely not dead, but it’s hidden somewhere in the midst of all these controversies. In the end I have to say that I cannot rest my case. I want to, but cannot.
Samarjit Singh Khanna
[image by quinn.anya]
This is very simple: treat feminists like men, equal to men. They get no more courtesy than men get. Offer non-feminists chivalry if that’s what they want, and most do. This way both feminists and non-feminists get what they want.
Maybe I can help clear it up for you…
Feminism IS Chivalry 2.0, disguised as “equality for women”.
Notice the “for women” bit? I’m an MRA, and I think these Feminist posters are doing a great job of showing the “intelligence” and “tolerance” of their ideology…don’t you?
Feminism is not now, nor has it ever been, about equality. Want proof? Ask a Feminist about choice for men.
All of this confusion can be avoided simply by doing away with chivalry. F*** it. Respect everyone. Treat everyone as you would wish to be treated. EVERYONE. If a woman doesn’t like you because you don’t do something for her because you wouldn’t do it for anyone else…then f*** it, that’s her problem, not yours. Unless of course, your attracted to her… gotta bring out the ol’ chest feathers then eh?
Hey Rashmi
I must confess that your comment did make a little sense…..but theres still something thats bothering me. When a man opens the door for a women…..is it something insulting for the woman?
If someone is forcing chivalry or any sort of “mannerism” on me in the name of feminism, is it right?
And I really dont get how chivalry, (which means showing respect to a lady) re- inforces oppression?
AS I said….alot of confusion….where does the line blur….or is there any line at all?
Is there any similarity between Chivalry or feminism? Or even differences?
two words
“chifinism rules”
I would want to respect your ideas on feminism but sorry to say, to me, its not much of an understanding right now. Feminism entails a movement calling for more rights, chivalry is just a Victorian façade talking about mannerisms. The most patriarchal of families might have men who open doors for women, that doesn’t make them feminist! I hope this small example solves your dilemma. In many forms, chivalry might just re-inforce oppression.
Feminism started as a movement asking for equality between the sexes but today many other kinds of movements are vigorously promoted and helped by the feminist cause. Many marginalized groups are supported by feminists.
*sorry this is jessica and not bhumi, just logged on through a friends account.
“Does feminism actually mean treating both genders equally? Then why isnt it called “masculinism” or something?” becuase its feminism . the concept of it arises coz one gender has been marginalised . secondly all i am trying to say is that there are many brands of feminism and i don understand which one you are refering to . also don even know if you really are getting the concept . coz after writing an article like this you still claim to be a feminist. and ya this is not “calling you names” just by the way . just a response to your article!
Oh….and if you didn’t realise by now…I AM A FEMINIST….
Your comments to my articles just prove my point. Firstly, there is no need to get so hyper and call each other names. I do respect your ideas on feminism and expect you to do the same.
When that women asked me to get up, I obviously respected her right to that seat.I was quoting this in the context of chivalry. When chivalry is forced upon, then does the meaning of it remain the same?
And when you talk about my definition of chivalry being problematic, may I tell you that we arent in the 17th Century where a man would put his coat on a puddle of mud so that the lady could pass by. Opening doors, Standing up when a women enter a room are all signs of being chivalrous and that is how todays youth comes to terms with it.The fact of paying for the first date was meant to be taken in light humour. Imagine a girl forcing a guy to pay for her lunch!! That would be something!! Chivalry comes from the heart and shouldn’t be forced upon. But somewhere in the light of feminism or its confusion, we as young people are confused on what both these terms mean. Clearly you haven’t done your research well before writing the comment.
The entire question I was trying to explore here was whether her asking me to get up was an act of feminism or not. Maybe you could through some light on that.
Rashmi you said “Chivalry is not a form of practicing feminism!!”
This is where my confusion arises from, because if you’ve read the article closely, I have pondered over whether chivalry and feminism go hand in hand or are mutually exclusive. For me both of them make sense in their own right.
I am glad that this article of mine has given way to such a line of thought and discussion. I would be grateful if you could tell us more about what feminism means to you rather than the widely accepted social norms which have been distorted over the years. Or at least thats how I feel.
Where does the line between chivalry and feminism blur? Or is there any such line?
Does feminism actually mean treating both genders equally? Then why isnt it called “masculinism” or something? Why does it have a female connotation to it. If you dig back into history, you will find that feminism was a sexist revolution, where importance was given to upholding the rights of women and giving them an equal standing in society.For the past centuries, women have not been treated well in society and this was the cause of such a revolution. So clearly it means treating both genders equally, but is tilted towards women more than men. Because men can’t claim anything on the grounds of being a feminist!!
I agree I may have gone wrong in assuming that all women are feminists. But aren’t they? I would love to see a person who wants to be degraded and who doesn’t want his/her rights to be upheld.
In my article, I have urged people to find the true meaning of feminism within themselves and not be confused by the interpretations that this complex society has drawn. Maybe then I wont hear things like “Oh, you cant be a feminist, you have a boyfriend” from my classmates. And yes, I am equally appalled by this statement as you are.
I do have a different take on feminism, but that doesn’t make me a “non feminist” If I could put it like that. Again, I was just trying to explore, not draw conclusions.
Your nervousness is an absolute proof of your idiocy. Feminism stands for equal rights for not only women, but men too, and feminists support all groups who vie for equality. Not all women are feminists. And you can swell up as much as you like, but chivalry will get you nowhere. Chivalry is not a form of practicing feminism!!
And the reason seats are reserved for women is because of the ire they face everyday in public buses. The woman you mention had every right to therefore ask thy foolishness to move elsewhere! And what respect do you talk of? Do you except the letchers on every street to uphold the rights of women?
first of all before writing something like this: an article dealing with a “sensitive” issue, you could do with a little research. you ve got your defination of Feminism and facts absolutely wrong ! its not a word you can simplify and summarize in one little line. there is more to it! i don really know which brand of feminism are you talking about here.
secondly, “if she were a feminist (which all women are!!)” who ever gave you that idea. most women arent! if she asked you to get up. how does tht assert her feminism?? it is rather opposing the whole idea of it!
thirdly, your defination of whatever you are trying to pass of as Chivalry is problematic. we don need you to pay for the First date(or any date for tht matter. you can feel relieved now) or open a door for us!
lastly, i agree tht being a feminist has nothing to with ones gender. but after reading this article i can figure out that you are sadly mistaken, coz you seem to believe tht you are one!