I love you, AND, I hate myself for that

  • SumoMe

Saw you, it wasn’t unusual, I was lost as I always am,

Life had hurt me, ditched me, dumped me, and the words for it shall never end.

And, THEN, there was an encounter, I looked into you, you returned that back to me,

You are usual but your look, it wasn’t,

You went but your look stayed with me, touched me, hit me.

Life was usual again.

Fighting with my own self, blaming my own self, consoling my own self, I was dragging my existence

But every time, the brief bumping into you used to simply give me so much of happiness,

It led me to feel great, like myself, be proud of myself, thank god, dream, and with that believe in my dreams!

I used to feel like flying high, rising, I just felt on the top!

Then suddenly you showed, or I thought that you were showing,

That you cared, that I am someone for you, that you need me, that even I touched you,

That, although, I am very usual but still even you find something unusual about me

You gave my life beauty and I shall always thank you for that.

But ACTUALLY,

You are indifferent, unaffected, you are not concerned, you have friends, you have love, you are successful, you shall be rich, and,

YOU DON’T NEED ME.

Whatever!

I was not hurt by that, because NOW EVEN I am not concerned about you, you are no one for me, you don’t deserve me and I shall never think about you.

But, when I saw you again,

You again touched, hit and stayed…I chucked you out of my mind but couldn’t take you out of my FANTASIES…FANTASIES –  You are the prince, I’m the princess, you are great and I am proud, you are my lover and I am your life!

I tried, I tried…but u didn’t go, my mind obeyed my order but my heart dint obey my mind, I hate feelings, I hate to think about you, I hate to fantasize that u love me, I hate to love you!!!

But I am strong, because there are people in my life, handful of them, whom I chose, they are beautiful, they are my happiness, luck, charm, beauty but most importantly they are unconditional…they say “HI” to me because they want to talk to me, they ignore me because they know that I’ll tell them whenever I need them, and they shall always be there, the roots of their presence is firm and run deep in my life.

You are history…to forgive myself I have to forgive you…I FORGIVE YOU, so do what you want to do, I’ll always wish the best for you…after all you did bring beauty to my life for sometime!
I wasn’t past any emotions, I just became logical.

Yes you are wrong, yes you are selfish, you betray all, and this time it was not me but the world talking…I was happy. I was saved in getting trapped by you.

I decided – I am done with you,

Still,

Why am I thinking about you…be it anything, your good your bad , anything…why am I thinking about you?

I don’t know…I just don’t know!

I surrender!

You are still a part of my fantasies, even today; you touch me, hit, and stay in me! With every negative in yours you are generating positive feel in me!

My eyes betrayed me, they liked you, loved you, then you hurt me, they are illogical, they don’t see truth but see what I want to be the truth.

I love you and I hate myself for that!

Life is again hurting me, ditching, dumping me and the words for it shall never end.

Namrata Ahuja

Image Source: [http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs30/f/2008/132/0/9/want__need__miss__love__hate__by_wonkafool.jpg]

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