I Will Box this Idiot

There is seldom anything cheerful about the life of an average 20 year old in India. Grappling with weighty issues such as acne, cracking the CAT exam and getting laid, he/she turns to television for some solace. However, thanks to the pure genius of Indian television, my recreation hours have become so vexing, that I want to lynch myself to death.

So with a heavy heart and numerous face palming gestures, I find a random urge to sit down and make a list of everything that is wrong with Indian television, and yes, it’s not just RAKHI SAWANT with her OHH ‘JEJJUS’ evangelistic messages. So here is a list of a few shows that need to be off-air A.S.A.P, to prevent this entire nation from the grave danger of losing its common sense and lucidity.

All shows that begin with the letter K: I do realize that this would result in a 70% drop in the number of TV shows available for telecast, render a million C- grade actors jobless and leave Ekta Kapoor bankrupt, begging for money outside the Siddhivinayak temple. But, Mother in law vs daughter in law rematches, the exaggerated plotting and scheming and the other general abnormalities of the various aspects of human personality is not exactly our idea of entertainment.

Seriously, we have had enough of those foundation laden pancake seeming faces, with snake bindis and deep maroon lipsticks and your voluptuous Indian figures wrapped in kanjeevaram saris. It is just not good for our retinas. And it would be nice if you could at least try taking it off when you are going to bed.

Its miraculous how in these TV soaps, people never die even after surpassing 100 years of age and even if they do, there is a huge possibility of them returning from the grave. They will then have the weirdest of plastic surgeries which will in turn change their voice and figure along with their face.

Also please explain to me ms Ekta Kapoor, how is it that every family you portray in your shows is either super rich or super poor. So they either own the world and talk of 200 crores like its 200 rupees, or they just live below the poverty line in a filthy slum?

MTV ROADIES: Back in the days, the channel used to be popular for its music. Remember MTV, M for music? Today, it is infamous for subjecting its followers to a daily dose of incredibly stupid reality TV shows like mtv roadies. The show might have been entertaining during its first few seasons, but there is only so much insult, a person’s intelligence can take.

Watching too brash, arrogant, disrespectful, contemptuous, not to mention bald men putting aspiring wannabe models or ludicrous hippies or senile nobodies through the ultimate test of torture by screaming, swearing and in some cases even getting violent with them is just not enough anymore to transfix me to the TV screen. But then again, what better can be expected of the 2 men who though starring in tees maar khan was a good idea.

EMOTIONAL ATYACHAAR: This is perhaps the only show where you get paid to make out on national television (because most of the times, it is totally staged). All you need are 4 shady looking fame hungry struggling models/artists and voila, there you have your suspect, undercover agent (yes, that’s what they call them), your victim and the host.

This is basically a show that features a supposed team of private detectives with hidden cameras, microphones and whatever other detective type modus operandi you can imagine. They will follow the suspected person around until they catch him in a compromising position on camera, so that they can satisfy the viewers’ deep, unexpressed need to see an anencephalic moron committing the ultimate crime of infidelity, which in turn evokes either an uncontrolled rage or tearful melancholous reaction from the victim. The victim will then have to be contained in his/her place by the crew members or taken to the nearest hospital in an ambulance when it is actually us, the viewers who are on the verge of committing suicide.

KAUN BANEGA CROREPATI: Yes, we all know slumdog millionaire earned millions at the box office and won big at Oscars. But guess what, we are over it. Apparently the producers of this show are not!
Also we Indians might be famous world over for being the brainy-nerdy race , but when contestants on this show take audience polls for questions like ”which of the following is not a web browser” , with the 4 options being , Firefox , opera . Chrome and facebook , it makes me want to give up my Indian citizenship.

I also remember this guy who claimed to be a tennis buff, and did not know the meaning of ” deuce”! And when Amitabh Bachchan asked him how could he not know this, he tactfully bamboozled his way out by replying – ”actually sir, I m only into tennis players, not tennis.”, SERIOUSLY?

ARNAB GOSWAMI NEWS HOUR: Why he made it to this list is clear from the fact, that when I typed his name on Google, Google auto completed my sentence by saying ”Arnab Goswami is a moron”. Watching him ramble incessantly on newshour, rendering every attempt of his guests to speak futile and interrupting them with his baseless childish arguments, every time they do manage to speak has reinstated my faith in the fact that such programs ought to come with mandatory warnings of nausea and headaches. I now also happen to know that it is possible to be a journalist/an editor in chief/Assamese of the year, even when you have a negative IQ.

I mean why else would you say things like ” Each time I fly to Mumbai, I see so many aircrafts trying to land at the same time from the window of my plane. I really fear a collision” in a chat with Praful Patel. Obviously Mr Arnab is an excellent observer and knows more about the aviation rules and techniques than the airport traffic managing teams. According to him there should be only one airplane at a point of time on the runway or we all will die.

Only you could make times now seem like the urban counterpart of India TV. About time you realize that, journalistic pretentiousness will never be cool, even if it is in sophisticated high level English.

Thanks to your animated gestures we get to see the Indian version of a ‘talking’ Mr. Bean. However you need to understand that, if we wanted to watch cartoons, then why would we stop at a news channel.

Mindless TV soaps like these have forced me to give up on the sanity of television. And this is exactly why; some of us still survive on those re-runs of F.R.I.E.N.D.S on starworld!

Divya Gaba