Is Jungle se mujhe Bachao

Yes, the title may sound a bit queer but believe you me, it is accurate. A school is like a behavioural psychologist’s Disney Land. Here, you will meet all sorts of people who will give you experience for your later life on how to deal with the most different and downright anomalous bunch of people you will have the pleasure of meeting later on in your life.

Anywhere else you wouldn’t have the opportunity to meet all this variety of people under one roof. I would venture as far as to compare school to a zoo where all sorts of fine specimens of each variety are locked in till they are let out to go back home. This outrageous comparison may again show my complete lack of social etiquette but since I have a freedom to openly express my views, I will get away with this (or so I hope).

Here, in this article I will attempt to classify some species that you will find in this zoo. I will also list out some of the mysteries that this zoo possesses just like jungles do. But make no mistake; this is a zoo not a jungle. Here the specimens are not allowed to roam free as they have not been yet thoroughly trained in the ways of living in a proper society and give reason to the constant danger that they may run amok if let loose to the outside world. Here we have trainers that work us constantly without relent for fourteen years to convert us from animals with a brain slightly more developed than a baboon holding a pen to civilised, culturally acceptable and intellectual human beings. Of course there are some exceptions to this and there are some who still end up becoming drug dealers selling hash from the back of their mom’s pickup truck or take up other such unpleasant jobs but it’s not the teachers fault. We blame it on modern society, the current government in power, etc. So if you are ready then ready your stun gun and torchlight and follow me because you are about to enter an insane (ly) awesome zoo.

Our first stop is at the cage people so wrongly call the nerd cage. They are just individuals who are such incurable bores that they study all the goddamn time for god only knows what. According to them it is for their future career. They also say that they will enjoy themselves later on in their lives. But since they are not going to get better personalities later on in their life, why even bother? Their idea of enjoyment would probably be to read the history of fish ten times while organising their trash in alphabetical order (their neighbour’s too). Which reminds me, this species is also known to be extremely (compulsively) organised. Honestly even their pencil shavings are put in neat little piles which are set in pretty patterns. They say it saves time but for heaven’s sake think of all the time they waste organising things! There are so many better uses of time. Even watching toenails grow is a much better use of time and is probably more exciting.

Their common characteristics are glasses, bad haircuts, terrible personalities, oiled hair and ill fitting clothes (trousers, skirts) pulled up way above the belly button. They are not attractive to the opposite sex in most cases and interspecies courtship and mating is much more common. Sentences you can expect from them: “Damn! I finished the syllabus with only 364 days to the exams.” Or “No I do have fun but it’s only in tuition.” My advice to them: get better personalities or pretend to be someone else.

Second stop is at the wannabe cage. Here we have a bunch of pansy never do all’s who have no other purpose in their life but to know who is dating whom, who is talking about whom and who has a dog named Brad Pitt. They are as the common term goes ‘gossip mongers’. They live gossip, breathe gossip and the may as well have nothing but gossip flowing through their veins. They try to copy the latest publicity stunt done by their favourite celebrity right down to getting a haircut better suited for horses. They only come to school for the lack of anything better to do at home. One thing is for sure, anyone short of being even remotely smart will never get bored with them. Evolution has compensated for their lack of intellectual topics by making them exceptionally loud to talk to.

Common characteristics are a slump and dead kind of stance while walking and sitting. My theory is that they limp like a wounded dog because they think it’s a cool and smart thing to do. They also spend a lot of time on social networking sites. They have a huge friends list, mostly because they send friend requests to random people to attain an illusion of being popular. Of course there is no one to tell them that they will still be as popular as Charlie Chaplin was with penguins in Antarctica (dead penguins would be closer to the mark). They also have ill fitting clothes like trousers and skirts which are loose enough to live and host a party in.

If that wasn’t enough, they also hang them so low that their clothes sweep the floor while they walk. They have a fair chance of courtship due to the excess of their kind and silly people in the world. Typical dialogue includes “ooooh! Did you hear Julia Roberts said that her husband is a man and that changing diapers is fun!” My advice to them: Get a life.

Third stop is the self obsessed cage. Girls and boys who think they are good looking enough to consider other people their minions. They have a huge fan following but in most cases no true friends. They always wonder how people can be mean to them while they are treating someone else like their dog. This factor shows that these specimens aren’t too bright. But they are so full of themselves that they hardly notice. They aren’t proper friend material but suitable for keeping you in the in crowd. They also give you faces worth looking. They have multiple and brief courtships with anyone of their liking.

Common characteristics are extreme good looks, awesome dressing sense, and huge friend lists on social networking sites where random people add them. They also sometimes take on wannabe characteristics. They also tend to always shift the conversation to themselves even if you are talking about something as remote as terrorists being caught making a salami sandwich while they are bathing by the police. They say the word I a lot. Typical dialogue includes “Oh! I just know that Mr. Hitler invaded Poland to ruin my birthday.” Or “stand in awe you wretched creature!” (Okay I went a little over the top with that but you get my point). My advice to them: It is a good idea to let other people talk sometimes. It may make people genuinely like you. Not everything revolves around you.

Fourth stop is the good, intelligent and overall talented cage. This is the cage I belong to (couldn’t you have guessed). They are overall the best type of people to know. They have the highest probability of becoming something later on in their life. They are well liked and have true friends. Not necessarily a large friend group. They also have the least possibility of going crazy if left unmonitored for more than ten seconds. Common characteristics are anything good you can think of. They can have a courtship with any sane person. They usually say- “Know me, love me, I am awesome.” My advice to them: Don’t change. You are good. Very good.

Last stop is the weirdo cage. Stay close because these specimens do unexpected things. They are the last sort of people you want to be liked by. Even if you talk to them once, they will erect a shrine to you in some dark corner of their house. Expect some of your things to go missing around them. Those things will probably end up as centre pieces on their shrines. These people are obsessive. Whether it be in friendship or love. Basic characteristics are: talking randomly to no one in particular. Giggling for no reason. Doing unexpected and plain stupid and weird stuff without explanation like bashing into the door again and again in an attempt to go to the dance room to learn painting while the door is closed during the geography class. They also do bizarre things to gain attention. They can be heard saying “I have only known you for five minutes but I already feel like erecting a shrine to you in some dark corner of my heart.” My advice to them: get rehab.

There are other cages but their inhabitants are too boring or I don’t remember them right now.

Now before we depart this fascinating zoo, I have a few unanswered questions which I referred to earlier as mysteries. First of which is why do students ask the teacher repeatedly whether they remember each individual students test marks knowing that it is not normally possible to remember how each child in each section in each class has done in his/her test paper. As one of my teachers once said-‘I am no superwomen’, Heck, how does it matter that you don’t get to know how you have done in a paper two days before you get it.

Secondly, how does having long hair in anyway hamper studies? Will the weight of all that extra hair cause the student to grow stupid? Or will it perhaps block his vision and pad his ears? I have received no satisfactory answer to this question. Any teacher is invited to give me a rational explanation to this question.

Third, how is uniform important to improving the quality of our studies? It all seems like wasted formality we could do without to me. I can’t say I feel any smarter wearing my uniform then when I wear my pyjamas. Again all answers (good ones) will be appreciated.

My last question is directed to some of the girls of our school. WHY IN GODS NAME DO YOU GO TO WASROOM IN GROUPS AFTER EVERY PERIOD? This mystery has eluded me for years now. You can only apply makeup so many times. And hey, I’m a girl too you know. I barely use those filthy washrooms. I mean why would someone want to pass their time there anyway? If the school authorities have fit a 72 inch plasma TV with a home theatre system and DVD player along with leather couches in the special girls washroom you guys escape to then I would kindly request them to do so for the rest of us who’ve never come across anything like that.

This concludes my article. Hope you had fun during this crazy zoo ride. Trust me, it can get way more crazier than this. This well is normal crazy (:

Aishwarya Verma

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