No seriously, what’s up Doc?

DoctorDoctors will have you believe they’re a serious lot. Eric Segal in his best-selling book ‘Doctors’, claims that the suicide rates in the medical field are higher than any other profession. If you google ‘doctor, funny, laughter’, you’ll get hits for stern sounding articles wherein research has been conducted and indeed laughter may NOT be the best medicine. Depressing huh?

Don’t let them fool you. Peculiar, not serious is the word I would use for them. Let me enumerate just some of their irregularities.

For starters, I am yet to meet a doctor that recommends the medical profession to anyone. In a world full of advice givers who are more than ready to start career counselling you at the drop of a hat, they will tell you pathologically – kuch bhi bano, bas doctor mat bano. In fact, a friend of mine who wanted to take up medicine came up against brick walls at home. I quote what the father had to say – daughter ko bahut convince kiya medicine mat karo, nahi mani, now she’s going to ruin her life.

Two, doctors think they bear all the troubles of the world. They’re full of these self-flagellating jokes and totally nonsensical one-liners. Here’s a sample. Want to study your whole life? Become a doctor. (hahaha). Normally your life begins in college, but in medical school it ends. (hahaha). I mean c’mon. Why do they have to act like they’re the only people on this planet who actually work?

Another thing about doctors is that they have no home-work separation. Their work just doesn’t seem to end. People don’t stop getting sick right? But here’s the funny part – socially, people assume that doctors actually want to hear all about their ailments. Imagine a poor gastro doctor – he puts on a nice suit and goes out in the evening to a friends place for drinks and dinner after a long hard day. Little does he know that a certain somebody awaits him, who’s going to corner him and recite her entire medical history…So this poor doctor chap is nodding along with a serious face sipping his whisky, and she’s saying “my bowels are blocked what shall I do”, and he says “take blah blah tablet twice a day so many milligram, excuse me I want to go try some of that pasta”. Is this normal? How can they switch like that? From working to not working, doctor to non-doctor mode? Strange, eh?

Now there’s something called doctor talk. I doubt such a unique invention exists in the entire world. If you get two doctors talking medical terms you can be assured that there will be absolutely no way you can contribute to the conversation at all. That’s the beauty of doctor talk – the total and complete exclusion of the third party. Another sample – Remember that 36 year old male with end stage CHF viral cardiomyopathy. AF with RVR unrelieved by conservative measures. Cardioverted into NSR, flash pulmonary edema, PE treated by pulmonary embolectomy, LVAD insertion and then cardiac transplant? * …!!!….* To this, if you happen to be standing around, you can only politely ask, hmm, so cardio is heart right? To this you are either royally ignored and all the noses in the vicinity go up or you’re given an indulgent smile and one of the doctors call their non doctor spouse or kids to – ‘show you inside’.

All this talk can get a bit unnerving. I was seriously wondering what happened to real life doctors. I mean all the docs on TV are so cool. They’re all so pretty and manly and lead these amazingly noble yet swinging lives. That’s what supposed to happen right…so then what happened to our lot? Sigh, I suppose the McDreamys aren’t for the real world.

Inayat Sabhikhi