How gracious it is to see the morning sun rising and how magical it is to feel its blessings as a part of energy we possess in us. While sipping my morning tea my heart suddenly colligates itself to the brightness of the sun. It felt as if something’s waiting for me, something that might change a part of me forever and ever.
After finishing my tea I cut an apple into two and started eating it bite by bite looking down from the balcony thinking of nothing. Just like any
other day everything seemed normal, usual and quite earthy. And then within a second a thought transported itself to a dimension unknown to me. The delicious apple turned into a tasteless thing that might have never existed if my mouth would not have taken pleasure in eating it. Within a moment my whole existence is questioned by an unconscious self. A self that resides within me but hidden like a shadow in darkness. It came to me like a shock. I could not react. It took me around fifteen minutes to come back to my senses though I never wanted to. But then it is only death that could save a senseless living body from its suffering. So, I had to come back. Those few minutes of my life have changed or rather transformed a part of me completely, probably desired by destiny.
I owe this transformation to him, an old, pale, weak and helpless person, who was covered in hardly anything to warm his body at a temperature unbearable even for a well to do person. It is that particular second when I saw him and remained dead for minutes. That second in which generations passed, that second was a second in which thousands of universes took birth and got destroyed, that second of infinity, still constant. That second is now a part of me.
A month has passed, I still remember that day clearly . I can still feel the intensity of that feeling of feeling-less-ness, getting stronger and stronger,
deeper and natural. It has become inevitable to ignore, irresistible to apply. I am also aware of the fact that application of it might cause the
destruction of my material self and doubting might leave me at the deepest level of wells of ignorance.
Perplexed and confused. To find answers my mind started its job to analyse the logic behind it and started evaluating the cause and effect. As my mind was busy in searching the matrix of perspectives, mobile vibrated giving a body-quake. Obviously I was not in my worldly senses to pick it up but how strange it is that the same call is going to give me the clue that helped me getting close to what I just experienced. I picked up and the voice came “hello! How are you?”
I replied “Can we talk later? I am thinking.”
Fortunately, I am surrounded by people wise, noble and profound enough to understand my last sentence. So he further asked “what happened? Why are you sounding so low?”
I replied “Yes I am but you might not understand.”
“Just give it a try. What’s wrong in it?” he replied in curiosity. There is a long pause.
Then he said “you cannot concentrate on your studies like this. Tell me what happened?”
As he gave me a satisfactory reason I narrated everything in a very usual manner. Then he asked “did you give anything to that man?”
I replied “no, I could not do anything, I was in shock, you cannot understand why and neither can I right now.”
He said in persuasive tone “Alright! I cannot understand but let me tell you something that I have also faced similar feelings when I was in my
struggling days. I could also not bear elderly people begging, half naked children on footpath, women leaning with five to ten children around. I always felt that I have to give something to them and so I have to make a lot of efforts to reach a position where I could help them.”
I said “But I did not feel that” there is silence.
“I felt something I cannot explain to you.” I replied with guilt of not feeling the same.
He asked “Did you give anything to him?”
I said “no.’
And then he said something I might remember throughout my life and it’s the clue I was in need, indeed. He said “Do you know that the apple you were eating actually belonged to him? That is why you could not eat it after seeing him. You should have given him one.”
Suddenly I felt good about the way my friend is thinking. I smiled and replied “wow..! I did not know you think like that. I am happy you said that.”
That sentence of his ‘that apple belonged to him’ triggered something in me and again my mind started exploring the answers.
But the next sentence diminished the vivacity and purity of the previous one.
He said “you should have given him something to eat or some warm cloths. God wanted you to give him something. That is why you felt
But my thought had more doubts. I asked “No, that is not right. It is being partial to him. He is elder to me, I cannot just give him charity, and I am ashamed of doing so. He should be in a position to give me. I am a child for him. Secondly, I can give him food today, what about tomorrow and all the other days? If I will give him now I might think of him every day. I will be worried about the fact that he will come there every day in search of me and I might not be able to satisfy his eyes all the time. Then I will have to hide myself from him at least till the time I cannot deliver to his hopes. And this help-less-ness is unbearable for me.”
After listening to me my friend got angry. I could not understand the reason for his anger. He then said in anger just before
hanging up the phone “I expect a reasonable explanation from you next time we talk.”
I said “I hope the same. Bye and take care.”
After he hung up I could only think of one sentence of his “that apple belonged to him”. I was not thinking that the apple belonged to him
or not but I knew that the apple definitely did not belong to me. It did not belong to anyone. How ironic it is that an old, pale, weak and helpless
person has left me helpless with my own existence and made me realize that nothing is in our possession.
I leave it on my readers to decide who thi ‘him’ is. And while realizing the fact that everything belonged to him, every
atom of my body swallowed in the pleasures of contentment and in a blissful satisfaction.