Signing God and Last Minute Tips

The biggest news to rock the world of football in recent times has been Real Madrid’s signing of God. Stating in a press conference, Real Madrid chairman, Ramon Calderon said, “It is but natural that we sign the best player on the planet, and money has never been an issue. Since Manchester United were so adamant about not letting us sign that boy Ronaldo, we decided it was time to show them who the boss is. The signing of God should ensure that we win all our games despite the lack of a defence.”

The latest signing in a series of big money transfers at Real Madrid that include a few men from Al Qaeda to stand in their defensive line with guns to scare attackers off is bound to send shivers down the spines of other clubs.

Since most of those in our large, and generally football illiterate, country support the Red & White of the English national team and hence must definitely need to brush up their soccer lessons, here is some piece of information – Euro 2008 is an international football tournament held every four years as a stop-gap for desperate football supporters who need their footy fix before the start of another exciting season of the English Premier League. England had the option of fielding a team but chose instead to concentrate on the domestic program, which yielded great results as three English club sides, largely comprising of non-English players and one backed by moguls with pockets deeper than the Grand Canyon, reached the semi-finals of the European Champions League.

Some England fans have formed groups to thank former coach Steve McLaren for saving them the agony and despair of participating in an international tournament with a team that is entirely English. McLaren is estimated to have saved three hundred thousand kilos of hair from being torn out, apart from the odd fifty thousand kilos of nails being bitten off. Most English audiences are greatful that they will be spared the terrible boredom of watching their dour and unimaginative, not to mention terribly amateurish football team beat infinitely stronger opposition by consistent strokes of luck, or arm wrestling/beer drinking and brawling bets, only to stumble at the quarterfinals, losing, sadly, on penalties.

On the family front, England players are relieved that they did not qualify for the European Championships as it allowed for Wayne Rooney’s wedding to his long time fiancé. The wedding was celebrated as the Gordon Brown declared a national holiday and free fish and chips to any one. On the occasion, the English FA announced a tax exemption for all footballers whose wives garner more newsprint than they do. On hearing the news, loud cheers were heard from the tables that seated David Beckham, (C)Ashley Cole and the newly wed couple. Given the time on their hands, the footballers will now proceed to practicing their acting skills as well as hoarding up on any and every sponsorship deal that flies there way.

For the rest of the football fans who are actually interested in the game and take the pain of staying up late and watching the European Championships, here is a piece of advice – don’t bet on Italy taking the title home. The dinosaurs are extinct for a reason, and Cesc Fabregas’ Spain will dance circles around the ones that still tread our beautiful earth. I predict a scintillating Spain vs The Netherlands semi-final, which should really have been the final but for the pathetic scheme of matches that the UEFA plans. Obviously, Germany will win their semi-final against Turkey with a goal in the 45th minute, and three goalkeepers and seven defenders on the field after half time. Some one should remind the Turks and the referees in their matches that there is only one last minute in every football game.

Vineet Kanabar

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