ALL THOSE WHO CARE
31st July, 2008
THE DEAR DEPARTED.
SUB: Notification of my suicide
With due respect to my wife (completely kind as she was, her name is Hyacinth Bucket a.k.a. Bouquet), friends (absolutely unaware and indifferent as they were to me and my pitiable condition) and my relatives (long lost as they are), I wish to inform you of my suicide which will take place as the clock strikes six o’clock at sun down at my residence in London. This is the most organized suicide you will ever encounter in your life.
The reason for such a drastic action is just one. I am completely at loss of word for the way I have been treated by my dear wife. Her social etiquettes and reasoned judgments about my life and its conduct have taken an extreme toll on my health. Her presence which is calming at best drives me to the edge because I cannot make peace with her brand of calm.
I am thus ending my life on a sorrow note. I cannot live a life based on reasoned sense as that of my wife. Her logic is expansive and can engulf our mother earth in a system of life not known to us all.
Hyacinth Bucket a.k.a. Bouquet I salute you, your life and your authority over my life. I die with a smile over my face that I do not have to bear you any more.
May God bless you, your senile father, and your family. Please do not trouble the neighbours with your candlelight suppers and frequent invitations to coffee.
Your dear departed, extremely tortured and troubled husband and friend,
Richard Bucket a.k.a. Bouquet