Suicide Note#13

Suicide. Never really thought I’d be a victim. I wanted to live a full life, do everything a girl my age likes to do. I wanted to spend 3 hours in the bath, fuss over my hair, crib about my weight, go shopping on a whim, feel pampered, loved, feminine.

But the world didn’t think I deserved it. Because He put me in a boy’s body.

They thought I’m trying to get noticed, putting up a show so that I’m talked about. Perhaps I did want to be known. As does everyone else. But not the way they saw me.

B was the only one who ever understood me. But they wrote her off. She tried to defend me. But they took her away too. I don’t blame her. She was pure, unaffected. She gave me the best days of my life. Even today morning I prayed she is happy, wherever she is.

Doctor, I tried didn’t I? I took your advice, went through that painful procedure so I could be a ‘normal girl’. But I was artificial. They never accepted me in the cheerleading squad. They still stared, pointed, pulled their children closer.

I’m not thick, you know. I know when I’m not wanted. And the feeling isn’t great.

You can say I gave up, chose the easier way, avoided the struggle. Maybe I did. But only because I was fighting belief and I was alone in my battle against it.

Until another life, when nature will be on my side.


Karen (Josh to a few)

Akanksha Saxena