I grabbed at the door handle, furious with the weather and even more furious with myself as I desperately wanted to run out from the house just now. I felt suffocated in that environment.
I can’t forget that evening, when I was all thrilled to come to USA . A dream wrapped in various colors and in lots of prospects. And why not … had I not devoted my life to give the best milieu to my daughter? Had I not neglected my career life and given her the best of everything in edification and excellence?
After 5 years, I got a phone call from Tania to tell me that she was expecting. I was flying high. She had requested me to come to USA . That was the most magnificent day for me because I had waited for this auspicious day for many years. Not to see USA but to see my grandson. Tania, who had never wanted to sit at home like any ordinary girl, continued her job of a clerk in a store but due to her pregnancy she left that job. Time was running fast and I was so busy to buy little things for my newborn grandson. Finally due to Tania’s efforts, I landed in this beautiful land of USA , with my eyes wide open. I was thinking about myself and how lucky I was when I didn’t know the hidden truths that still lay hidden.
I can still remember that grand welcome party which was pre arranged just for me. A grand welcome party with so many nice people, shaking hands, giving me so much admiration. I felt overwhelmed. I was soon busy in taking care of my daughter. Her pregnancy reminded me of my pregnancy, when Tania was about to come into this world. By God’s grace that day finally came where I held my grandson in my arms. I was blessed to experience such an auspicious day in my life.
Tania left her job for three months and stayed at home. I was feeling proud to be able to teach my daughter about a special world. I was elated to see her expressions of motherhood. I missed Tania’s father at this time. Once in a week I would tell him all the activities of his grandson. Tania was also excited with her new life. We were both enjoying our golden days with the new born baby. Then I began to feel that she wanted to get away from this stereo type job of taking care of her baby. I tried to convince her that these moments with her baby were the most precious moments of her lifetime. But it was obvious that she had already made her mind to quit her responsibilities.
Being a mother, I realized that may be she needs some changes in her life and it was getting difficult for her to continue with this routine. Tania was back to her work. She joined the same store as a clerk. I was feeling helpless. Now the days were different. My life was totally changed. Tania and my son-in-law used to come back by 8:30 p.m. My grandson completed his 9 months. In between I never realized that why there’s an emptiness in my life. I was missing my husband, who thought that I will be back after 4 months but no, I was still here, locked in a room taking care of my grandson. Preparing dinners, doing the dishes and cleaning the house…for this I came here?
There was no one to talk with me. Nobody to listen what I felt. No one to check whether I was physically fit or not. No one to check if my diabetes medicines were over. No one to hear my cries. No one to feel that my husband was living alone there and making food for himself. I found myself in a very miserable situation. My happiness to meet my dear ones converted into the saddest journey.
How many times I had requested Tania that my role was over and I should go back to my country. I got numerous excuses. I sensed that I cannot go back until and unless, they will arranged a baby sitter or any nanny. I cried so many times in front of my baby grandson. That was the bitterest day when I asked Tania about the tickets of my flight. I was scolded badly by her. Tania didn’t hesitate saying that I was not her real mom. I wept bitterly and was thinking that my immense love to see my daughter, my grandson, my son-in law brought me in this hazardous situation of my life where I am literally trapped .
Was it all my duties? Being a mother was I entitled for those responsibilities? Am I a bad mother? Am I escaping from my duties? What was right and what was wrong made me depressed.
I stop writing and close my red diary. I was walking effortlessly and soon I found a bizarre place. I could only see the blue water and few yellow flowers. I couldn’t find any colours in nature. I rubbed my eyes thinking that I have lost my vision. Life has faded. But how can I be so rude to my own blood…my own daughter?
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