The Week That Was

Breaking-news

While the entire country is going crazy about the President’s decision to give away the Bravery Award to his son for making “dented and painted” (fat aunty gasp) comments, here are some happenings that news channels dared not tell you about:

To begin with, the central government brought the “much sought after amendment” to the Preamble to the Constitution. Just as the midnight of 21st December (doomsday) gave in to the popular demand of One More Night, the “cattle class” leaders of the nation held a parliamentary session to make the adequate changes.

The amended paper read as, “We, the cattle-class breeders of India, and the proud survivors of 21st December, solemnly abide by the Cattle-istution of India…”

Soon after, the Prime Cattle Breeder (read as prime minister) addressed the nation.

“We did it! Somyaji did it! Congratulations! Welcome to the elite club of Cattle Class breeders – the survivors of 21st December doomsday”.

Although there were nationwide protests on the Prime Cattle Breeder’s speech, the Left Wing of the Right Women Activists Club South Delhi demanded the phrase “cattle class” to be replaced by “rapist”; “We the rapist breeders of India..”

In other news, Vladimir Putin, the unwanted president of Russia, who was in the country to congratulate the 21/12 survivors got lathi charged at India Gate. As per Sanju Suhana, an eye witness, “I was standing under a tree away from the crowd, when I saw a constable beating Putni, or whatever his name is…He fell to the ground just after one lathi. Man! What a girl he is! Psss!”

Putin was soon admitted to Safdarjang hospital.

Although the Mr. Unwanted was said to be in a critical condition, he still made an impressive business offer to the central government. According to his secretary, Russia is ready to sell its latest “Andolan Control Missile” to India at a very inexpensive rate – 70 billion dollars only.

Incredible India!

In some other very unimportant news, Ian Chappell, the “pandit” who rose to popularity by predicting Sachin Tendulkar’s retirement age, is said to have run out of work.

“Ian always made money by speaking of Sachin’s retirement. But now that Sachin has retired, he has no work to do. Poor Chappell! I sympathize with him,” said Kavi Shastri in a non-exclusive interview with the Funny Side Up.

Meanwhile, Mahindra Singh Dooni “allegedly” became richer by 2 crore rupees. The Team India captain earned a 4 year contract with Nanny Poko Pants. “It was a tough competition between me and Rohit. Fortunately we were good enough to lose to Pakistan in the first T20. Mashallah hum fir haarenge!” he said in a press conference.

Congratulations Skipper! You deserved it!

Moving on to the weather reports,

The coming week is going to bring a lot of noise pollution. It’s expected that Annoy Poswami in Mumbai and the special parliament session in New Delhi are going break the 2000 decibel limit. If you live in any of these cities, make sure you always carry a pair of head-phones and listen to heavy-metal.

As per the met department, it’s going to rain lathis in the capital from Tuesday, so please wear helmets when you get on the roads.

To wrap up this week’s edition, here’s an advice to our readers: If you are thinking about breaking up with your bf/gf, now is the perfect time. Go to India Gate, stand under the Tear Gas Canons, and say all that you feel like. Best of luck!

Arjun Tuli

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